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Monday, June 18, 2018

The 20-Year-Old Denise

Denise has always been unsure of herself. She never feels like she has found her right footing in anything. She wants so many things, yet she never knows where to start. She has always carefully measured every single thing before making any decisions; but most of the time, the time she takes to consider (and reconsider) is far too much hence there are rarely choices ever made. She misses out so much; she wastes too many opportunities.

She hardly remembers when it all started. Yes, all the harsh things and words the world has made her go through have been there long ago, but she never really recalled when was the first time she admit her defeat over the situations. There are a few single memories of her never really caring about what people say though they did hurt her in some ways, and she wants to know when she started doing so.

Denise opens her old diary, the one she has kept since she was fourteen. There she finds evidence of confident writings, a tasteful kind, rather than gloomy rantings. This diary, though, is accessible to everybody. So she starts comparing what she has written years ago and what she often writes about now. She is surprised to learn how different and how much she has changed, and wondered why that could happen. She had expected herself to be over-achieving by now yet she ends up having nothing in her hands at all.

It has been six years since the first entry in her diary, and now she has turned twenty. Not yet, though; she will officially turn twenty in three days. She has tried to reflect as much as she could, but she hasn't really found meaning or answers to any of these circumstances she's been having. She then starts wondering about the people she has met along the way. There are some she has never been in touch with anymore, there are some who have stayed for so long. She wishes to be able to contact them, but now that she is a coward she no longer feels the urge to reach them. But really, she cherishes them a lot. Every time she tries to recall her memories of those people, she will be all smiles. Denise will laugh on her own and tries to reconstruct the conversations she once had with them.

Not that she thinks that it is unnecessary to find them, though; she just thinks that she can do it later. She cannot figure out what to talk about, anyways. She has lost the taste and the relief when she talks to people about her problems. Her closest people won't listen; she tells them her stories when she is sad and all she gets are these very sentences, "Well, compared to my problem, yours is not that bad." or "Why won't you just be grateful for what you have become or where you are right now?" and many other denials towards her issues. Denise believes that everybody has turned into very selfish people that will never even try to understand her and help her. It may sound extreme, but she really thinks that it is the case; people think too much of themselves.

This doesn't mean that she is an exception, though. But she has tried so hard not to be that kind of person. Though expectant that she will receive the same treatment as the one she gives to people, she tries to listen to people's stories and lend them her shoulders. Unfortunately, this doesn't really give her much positive result; people are still reluctant to listen to her.

There are people who will, though, and she is very grateful for their existence. The only thing that makes it not working is that she has not really trusted them. Not that they are fake, but she just hasn't really felt that close to them. And so she decides not to believe in anyone any longer when it comes to her situations, and just casually befriends anyone while keeping them at an arm length.

She also sees her family differently as well. Denise had always found peace and love in her family. She used to think that her parents were basically the best parents in the world. She used to believe that her brother would stay lovely too. But as she grew up, she realized things she had not before; flaws of her beloved ones. Both of her parents are not saints and her brother can be so annoying and selfish. Even so, she still finds her family as the only home; she can still seek sanctuary here and they are her most trusted people on Earth. She now accepts every single part of her family members and cherishes them with all her heart--or at least what's left of it.

Even though what she thinks right now is rather sounding negative, she does not really mean it to be like that. She just has come to her senses, to be able to see reality better, to understand that she is often in a her own utopia and she has denies the truth served in front of her. She wants to be a lot mature, she wants to stand on her own feet. Denise no longer wants to be defined by someone else, but she really hasn't found it. But at least she knows that first drills. She is hopeful that this will remain this way, that she will stand strong against all the winds and lemons thrown at her, that she will find a way to love herself enough that she no longer needs to seek warmth and light from others. She wishes to be able to glow instead, and gives light and comfort to other people.

Denise closes her diary once again and smiles in relief. She looks at the window where she is served green and yellowish meadows, where the winds take her to another realm. She closes her eyes and she repels prayers for happiness, starting in her twenty.

Saturday, May 5, 2018

Regression?

Hi!

I still can't believe that although years have passed since the first time I ran this blog, I still come and seek sanctuary here, I'd also like to thank readers, whom I may or may not know, for reading the posts. They are kind of hopeless, I must say. All of these are just products of my negative thoughts, rants, and sadness I had no idea where to channel them.

I have been such an open book for years here, letting the whole world know about my problems and situations, which I suppose are not quite mature actions I pulled. But you see, as someone who can't really be genuine about her feelings most of the time, this is the most honest thing I could come up with.

And yes, I'm about to tell you guys virtually on what is happening in my life at the moment.

I have been so disappointed with myself recently. I used to joining competitions and being rather popular for my achievements. Underneath all of the things I had earned, I had always been a not-so confident person. I might look or sound arrogant a few years ago, but believe me, I was just one messy thing that needed reassurance that things were going fine. And winning in several competitions, or serving with certain positions actually calmed me down. They made me feel like I could define myself; that I was worth of something.

After attending college, I started being more involved in committees and organizations rather than competitions. I was so into it that all the plans I had made regarding competitions just disappeared. I'd rather go to meetings than to finish a book I had just started reading; I constantly did not finish all the competitions I tried to sign up for; I dedicated most of my time for organizations and committees, increased my mobility level to its peak. I was happy for a while.

Until last year happened.

I was so involved in an organization. I was a staff in a department which served to run advocacy in many social issues. I was happy that I got to be useful for real; but really, I was rather struggling. I suddenly realized that I was faced to more a destined path; people had expected me to run for the head of department the next year, and for student body president afterwards. I was truly aware that this opportunity would shut the others; my dreams and chances of getting into any competitions I had been aiming for, so I decided to turn the position down. I applied for another position in another organization instead, which the timeline would allow me to join several competitions.

But after forgetting all the old ambitions I had, I felt kind of crippled when I returned to the 'battlefield'. I signed up for a competition I once joined when I was in high school. I had always been so passionate about speech competitions. I was a story-teller too, so being expressive in delivering my speech was not that hard.

But for the first time in my life, I was not unsure of myself; I did not believe in words I let out.

And unfortunately, it wasn't just me who didn't. Apparently the judges did not buy my words either. So they did not make me a finalist, and stopped my journey in the semifinals.

I'm sure that some of you would think, 'Why can't she just be grateful for what she did? It was rather great for someone who hadn't competed in years to get to the semifinals.'

No, it's not great for me.

I had been feeling insecure and so worthless these past few years whenever I saw someone who could run both worlds really well as I was just struggling to find my own definition of myself. No, it's not good enough.

I had always been defined with the titles and awards I won; and not being able to win made me feel even more worthless. I had lost myself. I felt really useless. I felt like I couldn't do anything. I was so mad at myself I could not even shed a tear. Why couldn't I pull it off? What went wrong? How did I make it right?

My post today won't end with me telling you guys my revelations and how I solved the problem, because I still haven't figured out how to feel or overcome the feelings. But I am coping up; still looking for ways to make it up to myself, or at least to believe in myself.

But I did realize that I didn't believe in myself enough, that I couldn't make people believe in me. I recently noticed that I couldn't really talk in public anymore. I used to be this kind of person who would happily offer people help or engage them in small conversations whenever I traveled by myself. But now, I couldn't even say sorry or thank you loudly. They would all come out as a little sigh, unnoticed.

Maybe I should try being confident. Maybe I should listen to myself. Maybe I should be more grateful to what I have and am now.

And I guess I have to seek the answer to all the maybes now.


-Abigail Gee

Monday, April 2, 2018

Being Let Down

All that is left is just sorrow and pain, a never-ending hollow that's insane.

It seems like my soul will never be familiar to the stinging pain of disappointment. I guess I have written so many stories and posts about how I was let down by the people I love(d) the most and I guess it will take many more to come to finally not give a damn about people and not to have expectations.

What kills me all the time is that all these series of being let down were done by people closest to you--or at least people who you thought to be close to you. And if it happens. you are not entitled to be sad about it; you had been warned about the consequences since a long time ago that it would hurt more if your particular beloved hurt you than your enemies did you, yet you agreed to all terms and conditions.

I wish I knew better. I have always kept cursing myself for being so stupid and dumb not to predict these kinds of outcome from certain people, or at least to be stronger than I truly was when facing them. I wish I was given strength to keep my head held high, walk proudly away from the misery, and just laugh it off. But I could never do that. I have always been so aware of people's feelings. Ironically, I have also been wondering if they are also aware of my feelings too.

After all the episodes of crying and regretting things, I would just repeat the whole thing; all over again! That is how foolish I can be; I have always been so hopeful and optimistic towards human beings. I do understand that I have been expressing all my rants and negativity on this page, but if you also notice, I would always give myself a little bit reassurance that there will always be silver linings in all the sadness coming my way. They did make me feel better afterwards, but what I hate about them is that they would not make me learn!

I just realized that my mind and heart had made such a mechanism where I could detect whether I could trust and rely on certain people and they also would give me a hunch if someone would not suit me. But I tended to see the good inside everyone. But then, turned out, it took more than just goodness to be someone's friend. To be friends with anyone; to know if you could trust them, also took measurement whether or not you could tolerate one's principles. People with different principles would lead to toxic relationships, where both parties constrained themselves with constant battle; of their liking towards the other against each other's values. But that does not necessarily make either of them or both of them evil. They are good; but not good for each other.

Or simply, maybe there is something wrong with me. But I wish it was not the case.

Perhaps I should trust my feelings more. Just to be cautious of what lies ahead. Perhaps I should be braver to put more distance. Just to make sure I won't jump to conclusions.

Or perhaps I should taste the bitterness of the experience, so I could be a lot stronger and slowly becoming numb.

-Abigail Gee


Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Working Together

Hi, everyone!
Before the stories that I have promised you, I'd like to share a writing that I wrote a couple of months ago but I did not get the chance to publish. I hope you like it.

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College has given me adrenaline rush this whole year. It was fun to see a lot of people changing and improving, doing things they really like and wanting to achieve more in the future. I personally drowned myself into activities I truly desired; writing as a journalist in one organization, making movies in another, and also staffing at the executive student board. Six months spent so well with the people I have been working with. They have been so nice and cooperative; they have been such a joy to my heart and mind. The work also has never been a burden to me, I've done all my assignments with full satisfactions.

I also got to learn from so many committees. I introduced myself to some people, making acquaintances from the events I was participating in. I also got the chance to compete with my friend when they opened a tender for this symposium in the campus. I now know how to write papers in just a few days period, how not to sleep during nine hours of fit and proper test, et cetera.

But things, of course, didn't go that smoothly. My partner, unfortunately, is the same kind of person as me; a hot-headed figure. Not really substantial as a person, but he speaks of his mind very well. He can win hearts by saying sugar and honey coated words. He could make people believe that he gave a damn when clearly he didn't.

In the process of the bidding, we must prepare detailed pre-proposals to be shown and delivered on a decided date. I and my friends really worked to finish the pre-proposals, but he seemed not to know about his job description that he kept slowing us down, making us lose our pace.

I kept wishing that he would do something about it instead of just making me rant about his performance.

It wasn't the only thing that had kept me busy. I was appointed to be a mentor for a bunch of freshmen and I was truly honored to be one. I got paired up with a friend I had dreamed of becoming mentors with. We were in the same group last year when we were freshmen and I learned that he is such a diligent person. We shared the same commitment that we would participate in campus activities with all our hearts, with all our might.

But then he left for his own personal affairs, letting me do all the substantial work. He had been there to accompany these juniors a couple of times, but then again, I was the one who made sure that they had completed all their tasks.

I felt really overwhelmed and hurt at the same time. I had no idea what to expect of them anymore. I was let down for so many times and I started to think if I was the problem that it was very difficult for me to work together with other people.

Then I realized that it was not because me who lacked of ability to work together, but it was just simply that I uphold different values when working. I've always set high standards when it comes to finishing my job description. Too high sometimes, that I can become very uptight about all aspects and detail, especially when I am truly passionate about what I'm currently working on.

It doesn't mean that they have such low standards, but it's just that our pace is a bit different. They prefer taking things slowly but sure to finishing it very quickly, for example. While I have always been this kind of person who does things early, so I can enjoy the process without having to be afraid of not being able to complete it. I've always aimed for perfection, but they think if it is okay and done, it is good enough already.

I am now aware that it is also my fault for not compromising. Working together means understanding one another, especially if you gave your consent in doing so in the first place. I was never forced to work with them; it was my decision. I should have been more patient and talked to them through all the problems. Now that I think of this, I realized that my vice project officer worked so hard and really well during the days of the event. He gave clear directions, he calmed me down, he made sure that I was relaxed throughout the event. I also noticed that my partner in mentoring helped me in taking care of the difficult ones, talking my mentees through their problem in his own way. We, both I and my vice-project officer and I and my mentoring partner have done such a good job together. We completed each other, and therefore I should be more grateful for the experience.

Moreover, I now realized that I would work with worse and more horrible people in the future, in environments which I may not desire. I should always be ready to cooperate with such people in such situations and be adaptive about. If I see something that doesn't go well with my perspective, I should be ready to face more compromises, to talk through it with my coworkers, and to resolve all of our problems.

So, by this opportunity, I'd like to give my biggest gratitude towards everyone I have been working with, especially these two beloved friends of mine. Thank you for understanding me and cooperating with me, making things happen and go well. Sorry if I have always been so annoying and not understanding your position. Looking forward to more opportunities to work with you all!

Love,

-Abigail Gee

Happy New Year!

Happy new year, everyone!

It's been more than six months since the last time I wrote a post. I have been so busy with college since I was entrusted with something big which kept my eyes off everything else but that. College has been taken away all my time that I did not get the chance to spend some of it with my beloved ones like family, friends, and even myself. Although it was very exhausting and both mentally and physically draining, I am truly grateful for the opportunity.

Anyways, it is a brand new year. Although it's been a long time since the last time I believed that new year meant new me and I was so over the resolution thing, I recently became aware of my worth and values. I realized that I deserve to be surrounded with positive people and minds. I should not spare my time to think about those who don't respect me. I felt rejoiced to finally find and discover myself once more.

As for a new year's gift and an apology from me for not writing for so long, and my decision to become more active in writing (since it has been my passion for such a long time), I'd like to write one or two short stories in coming weeks. I am on my holidays and really, writing is a way to stay productive.

Hope you enjoy some of the writings!

Love,

-Abigail Gee