The 20-Year-Old Denise

Denise has always been unsure of herself. She never feels like she has found her right footing in anything. She wants so many things, yet she never knows where to start. She has always carefully measured every single thing before making any decisions; but most of the time, the time she takes to consider (and reconsider) is far too much hence there are rarely choices ever made. She misses out so much; she wastes too many opportunities.

She hardly remembers when it all started. Yes, all the harsh things and words the world has made her go through have been there long ago, but she never really recalled when was the first time she admit her defeat over the situations. There are a few single memories of her never really caring about what people say though they did hurt her in some ways, and she wants to know when she started doing so.

Denise opens her old diary, the one she has kept since she was fourteen. There she finds evidence of confident writings, a tasteful kind, rather than gloomy rantings. This diary, though, is accessible to everybody. So she starts comparing what she has written years ago and what she often writes about now. She is surprised to learn how different and how much she has changed, and wondered why that could happen. She had expected herself to be over-achieving by now yet she ends up having nothing in her hands at all.

It has been six years since the first entry in her diary, and now she has turned twenty. Not yet, though; she will officially turn twenty in three days. She has tried to reflect as much as she could, but she hasn't really found meaning or answers to any of these circumstances she's been having. She then starts wondering about the people she has met along the way. There are some she has never been in touch with anymore, there are some who have stayed for so long. She wishes to be able to contact them, but now that she is a coward she no longer feels the urge to reach them. But really, she cherishes them a lot. Every time she tries to recall her memories of those people, she will be all smiles. Denise will laugh on her own and tries to reconstruct the conversations she once had with them.

Not that she thinks that it is unnecessary to find them, though; she just thinks that she can do it later. She cannot figure out what to talk about, anyways. She has lost the taste and the relief when she talks to people about her problems. Her closest people won't listen; she tells them her stories when she is sad and all she gets are these very sentences, "Well, compared to my problem, yours is not that bad." or "Why won't you just be grateful for what you have become or where you are right now?" and many other denials towards her issues. Denise believes that everybody has turned into very selfish people that will never even try to understand her and help her. It may sound extreme, but she really thinks that it is the case; people think too much of themselves.

This doesn't mean that she is an exception, though. But she has tried so hard not to be that kind of person. Though expectant that she will receive the same treatment as the one she gives to people, she tries to listen to people's stories and lend them her shoulders. Unfortunately, this doesn't really give her much positive result; people are still reluctant to listen to her.

There are people who will, though, and she is very grateful for their existence. The only thing that makes it not working is that she has not really trusted them. Not that they are fake, but she just hasn't really felt that close to them. And so she decides not to believe in anyone any longer when it comes to her situations, and just casually befriends anyone while keeping them at an arm length.

She also sees her family differently as well. Denise had always found peace and love in her family. She used to think that her parents were basically the best parents in the world. She used to believe that her brother would stay lovely too. But as she grew up, she realized things she had not before; flaws of her beloved ones. Both of her parents are not saints and her brother can be so annoying and selfish. Even so, she still finds her family as the only home; she can still seek sanctuary here and they are her most trusted people on Earth. She now accepts every single part of her family members and cherishes them with all her heart--or at least what's left of it.

Even though what she thinks right now is rather sounding negative, she does not really mean it to be like that. She just has come to her senses, to be able to see reality better, to understand that she is often in a her own utopia and she has denies the truth served in front of her. She wants to be a lot mature, she wants to stand on her own feet. Denise no longer wants to be defined by someone else, but she really hasn't found it. But at least she knows that first drills. She is hopeful that this will remain this way, that she will stand strong against all the winds and lemons thrown at her, that she will find a way to love herself enough that she no longer needs to seek warmth and light from others. She wishes to be able to glow instead, and gives light and comfort to other people.

Denise closes her diary once again and smiles in relief. She looks at the window where she is served green and yellowish meadows, where the winds take her to another realm. She closes her eyes and she repels prayers for happiness, starting in her twenty.

Regression?

Hi!

I still can't believe that although years have passed since the first time I ran this blog, I still come and seek sanctuary here, I'd also like to thank readers, whom I may or may not know, for reading the posts. They are kind of hopeless, I must say. All of these are just products of my negative thoughts, rants, and sadness I had no idea where to channel them.

I have been such an open book for years here, letting the whole world know about my problems and situations, which I suppose are not quite mature actions I pulled. But you see, as someone who can't really be genuine about her feelings most of the time, this is the most honest thing I could come up with.

And yes, I'm about to tell you guys virtually on what is happening in my life at the moment.

I have been so disappointed with myself recently. I used to join competitions and was rather popular for my achievements. Underneath all of the things I had earned, I had always been a not-so confident person. I might look or sound arrogant a few years ago, but believe me, I was just one messy thing that needed reassurance that things were going fine. And winning in several competitions, or serving with certain positions actually calmed me down. They made me feel like I could define myself; that I was worth of something.

After attending college, I started being more involved in committees and organizations rather than competitions. I was so into it that all the plans I had made regarding competitions just disappeared. I'd rather go to meetings than to finish a book I had just started reading; I constantly did not finish all the competitions I tried to sign up for; I dedicated most of my time for organizations and committees, increased my mobility level to its peak. I was happy for a while.

Until last year happened.

I was so involved in an organization. I was a staff in a department which served to run advocacy in many social issues. I was happy that I got to be useful for real; but really, I was rather struggling. I suddenly realized that I was faced to more a destined path; people had expected me to run for the head of department the next year, and for student body president afterwards. I was truly aware that this opportunity would shut the others; my dreams and chances of getting into any competitions I had been aiming for, so I decided to turn the position down. I applied for another position in another organization instead, which the timeline would allow me to join several competitions.

But after forgetting all the old ambitions I had, I felt kind of crippled when I returned to the 'battlefield'. I signed up for a competition I once joined when I was in high school. I had always been so passionate about speech competitions. I was a story-teller too, so being expressive in delivering my speech was not that hard.

But for the first time in my life, I was not unsure of myself; I did not believe in words I let out.

And unfortunately, it wasn't just me who didn't. Apparently the judges did not buy my words either. So they did not make me a finalist, and stopped my journey in the semifinals.

I'm sure that some of you would think, 'Why can't she just be grateful for what she did? It was rather great for someone who hadn't competed in years to get to the semifinals.'

No, it's not great for me.

I had been feeling insecure and so worthless these past few years whenever I saw someone who could run both worlds really well as I was just struggling to find my own definition of myself. No, it's not good enough.

I had always been defined with the titles and awards I won; and not being able to win made me feel even more worthless. I had lost myself. I felt really useless. I felt like I couldn't do anything. I was so mad at myself I could not even shed a tear. Why couldn't I pull it off? What went wrong? How did I make it right?

My post today won't end with me telling you guys my revelations and how I solved the problem, because I still haven't figured out how to feel or overcome the feelings. But I am coping up; still looking for ways to make it up to myself, or at least to believe in myself.

But I did realize that I didn't believe in myself enough, that I couldn't make people believe in me. I recently noticed that I couldn't really talk in public anymore. I used to be this kind of person who would happily offer people help or engage them in small conversations whenever I traveled by myself. But now, I couldn't even say sorry or thank you loudly. They would all come out as a little sigh, unnoticed.

Maybe I should try being confident. Maybe I should listen to myself. Maybe I should be more grateful to what I have and am now.

And I guess I have to seek the answer to all the maybes now.

-Abigail Gee

Being Let Down

All that is left is just sorrow and pain, a never-ending hollow that's insane.

It seems like my soul will never be familiar to the stinging pain of disappointment. I guess I have written so many stories and posts about how I was let down by the people I love(d) the most and I guess it will take many more to come to finally not give a damn about people and not to have expectations.

What kills me all the time is that all these series of being let down were done by people closest to you--or at least people who you thought to be close to you. And if it happens. you are not entitled to be sad about it; you had been warned about the consequences since a long time ago that it would hurt more if your particular beloved hurt you than your enemies did you, yet you agreed to all terms and conditions.

I wish I knew better. I have always kept cursing myself for being so stupid and dumb not to predict these kinds of outcomes from certain people, or at least to be stronger than I truly was when facing them. I wish I was given strength to keep my head held high, walk proudly away from the misery, and just laugh it off. But I could never do that. I have always been so aware of people's feelings. Ironically, I have also been wondering if they are also aware of my feelings too.

After all the episodes of crying and regretting things, I would just repeat the whole thing; all over again! That is how foolish I can be; I have always been so hopeful and optimistic towards human beings. I do understand that I have been expressing all my rants and negativity on this page, but if you also notice, I would always give myself a little bit reassurance that there will always be silver linings in all the sadness coming my way. They did make me feel better afterward, but what I hate about them is that they would not make me learn!

I just realized that my mind and heart had made such a mechanism where I could detect whether I could trust and rely on certain people and they also would give me a hunch if someone would not suit me. But I tended to see the good inside everyone. But then, turned out, it took more than just good to be someone's friend. To be friends with anyone; to know if you could trust them, also took measurement whether or not you could tolerate one's principles. People with different principles would lead to toxic relationships, where both parties constrained themselves with constant battle; of their liking towards the other against each other's values. But that does not necessarily make either of them or both of them evil. They are good; but not good for each other.

Or simply, maybe there is something wrong with me. But I wish it was not the case.

Perhaps I should trust my feelings more. Just to be cautious of what lies ahead. Perhaps I should be braver to put more distance. Just to make sure I won't jump to conclusions.

Or perhaps I should taste the bitterness of the experience, so I could be a lot stronger and slowly becoming numb.

-Abigail Gee

Happy New Year!

Happy new year, everyone!

It's been more than six months since the last time I wrote a post. I have been so busy with college since I was entrusted with something big which kept my eyes off everything else but that. College has been taken away all my time that I did not get the chance to spend some of it with my beloved ones like family, friends, and even myself. Although it was very exhausting and both mentally and physically draining, I am truly grateful for the opportunity.

Anyways, it is a brand new year. Although it's been a long time since the last time I believed that new year meant new me and I was so over the resolution thing, I recently became aware of my worth and values. I realized that I deserve to be surrounded with positive people and minds. I should not spare my time to think about those who don't respect me. I felt rejoiced to finally find and discover myself once more.

As for a new year's gift and an apology from me for not writing for so long, and my decision to become more active in writing (since it has been my passion for such a long time), I'd like to write one or two short stories in coming weeks. I am on my holidays and really, writing is a way to stay productive.

Hope you enjoy some of the writings!

Love,

-Abigail Gee

Antibiotics

Not all friendships are meant to be healthy.

Some of them are just plain bad; toxic. The person you find to be so comfortable with, slowly drowns you, bit by bit. This friend tells you all the sweet words after beating you so hard you cannot feel your limbs. This friend gives you water after feeding you with extremely hot dishes you cannot taste well any longer. This friend stays just to suck your life out of you.

But then there were moments when it was all just perfect; hours-long talks on the phone, deep, meaningful conversations, night drives that took your mind somewhere away. All the things you would want to be parts of your friendships. And all these started when this person literally saved your life without them knowing.

This person gave you hard slaps which turned out to be the only things you could digest well among all the supportive talks you had at that desperate moment; your darkest time in life. This particular friend made you, with your own bare hands, stop hurting yourself mentally and physically. This someone gave you hope that there were still people who truly cared for you. And of course you expected heated arguments. You expected both of you to be just human beings. You knew that there were never any smooth friendships, if they truly were at the first place.

You had it all in your friendship with this particular person. And little did you know, this person became your muse to all your songs, all your poems, your most significant influence to your art.

After a year separating ways with all the evil friends and your perfect friend, you met more people in life and started to figure out its meaning. You felt happier; your happiest state since a long, long time ago. You didn't talk much to each other, and your mind was busy doing all the things you were so passionate about. But then you knew that this person had a quite big part in your life, that without your friend, the puzzle would never ever be complete. So you still talked to this person once in a while, sharing random stories about what had happened in each other's life.

But then you still thought that you were missing something.

You found this person's message to be very offensive. Well, this friend is an ass, after all. You thought that it was okay since you were friends, but it seemed to cut you as deep as all those bullies had done long before. You noticed that your so-called friend barely treated you the way you saw your other friends did to each other. And you started scrolling up, and up, and up, reading all your virtual conversations, word by word. You tried to recall every single thing you both had said, trailing it down to the first time you begged for help. Yes, that afternoon when you suddenly had your typical anxiety, such panic attack that would not let you breathe. That sick thing you had had for so long, suffocating you.

It all seemed wrong. It all seemed too artificial. Had this person really done it all for you? Or you, as someone who is so expectant, had created these scenarios where he thought of you as a dear friend too rather than a patient needs to be taken care of?

Today, I came to a realization that no, it was not entirely artificial. Yes, I had so many expectations, and I had hoped that my friend could meet them. But no, I accepted this dear person for who they are, and I tried to be fluid; adaptive to this person's situations. This person did try to do the same. But in the end, we both failed to do it at all times. We were right for each other at one point, but contradicted at another.

I figured this whole friendship out. This friendship is very like antibiotics.

You see, antibiotics are kinds of medicine, designed for sickness. But you can't consume antibiotics on a daily basis. They are kinds of medicine you only take as the last resort. They are initially toxic to your body, as they are basically inhibited bacteria that causes the diseases you are currently having. The consumption of this particular drug is very strict, It has to be taken with discipline. You can't stop drinking it after the whole prescripted amount has been taken.

That is the perfect analogy for my friendship with this person. We are good for each other, to comfort each other when we are in pain. But we cannot share the same happiness. When we try to, we will end up ripping it apart, injecting it with such negative thoughts. We have made each other better over our tragedies, but we have also been toxic to each other frequently.

I realized that this is not exactly the friendship I had pictured to have, but it is not entirely bad. It is okay, to have such friends. But I don't think that it is meant to be a kind of friendship where you talk to each other everyday, share all your random thoughts, or send gifts to each other. It is a friendship where you came to talk, and to cry, and to mend all the pains together.

My friends told me to step away; to give up. I had been intoxicated with the thought that this person was my hero, they said. But that was actually true. This person did save me, in his own ways. I do need, at certain times, his different perspectives to truly value something. We both uphold a role as antibiotics to each other; only needed when you had no where else to go.

I just learned that I have to let go of this friend's hand, touching it only for just a high-five in certain occasions. I have to learn not to hug so tight, exchanging the hugs with some pats on the back. I have to quickly realize that maybe, this person will not be there for wishing me on all my birthdays, but this person will surely wish me all the best at my wedding.

Basically, I wrote this to tell you not to ditch a sinking ship just like that. You would have to see the surface, how big the hole is, to finally decide what's best to be done. Think about all the good things you have done with your particular friend, before making a choice you truly deserve. Not all bad people are not worth of being friends with, nor all people can meet your hopes and expectations. And by this, I would have to suggest you not to expect from people so much, or you will end up getting hurt even more.

So my friend, if you're ever reading this, I would have to say that I still value this friendship. I care for you more than you know, yet I really don't know what you expect of me. But do know, that there should be love and respect as well in a friendship, despite all the nasty jokes we shall share. I still am looking forward for more meetings over Starbucks whenever you're home in the coming future, and I hope you are too.

Love,

-Abigail Gee