Post Quarter Life Update

The sun was kind enough not to set me on fire, though the humidity was not to my liking. Streets were busy as usual, with bikes not caring much about keeping the traffic in order. I caught myself back in the city that never sleeps, the city that holds many of my giant dreams.

I wish I could find the perfect word to describe my situation. I could feel it at the tip of my tongue but guess my memory was that much of a loser to give up on me so quickly. There was a slight discomfort here and there, yet I found myself quite at ease. Perhaps it was the wedges; I had been practicing wearing high heels and those alike the past weeks. A poor attempt at adulting, really. Thanks to that, though, I realized that my physical balance was just...horrendous. I tripped here and there, and I could feel callouses building up on my heels. Perhaps a few scratches at the end of the day.

This naive girl also learned how to flirt! A milestone, you could say. She always hated the fact that she could not go to anyone for an embrace or romantic affirmations, but now she loves her freedom too much it worries her parents. Her prospects of getting married are there, but will she go past her prime? At least she found herself a so-called friend that would be there to tell her pseudo-romantic phrases like 'love you too'. Guess she still has so much to discover.

So many creatures here thirsty for blood. There will be wars and battles coming up to get that throne. The job requires passionate and ambitious youth, and passionate and ambitious youth they shall receive. Some of my new colleagues have gone through half of the reading materials. I barely even started. Just managed to get my hands on the books--illegally, of course. Your girl can never spend that much money except for food and clothing.

My life's motto right after entering the arena is 'fake it till you make it'. One can present things with minimum knowledge yet strong conviction. Misleading, I get it, but I guess many of us will do so just to survive. Your head should stay above the surface. You cannot drown right from the start.

This has been a childhood dream. I had imagined from an early age that I would be here. I manifested the situation. International forums and negotiations; were all scripted in the head. I have prepared myself to be here, but the fact that it has stayed a scenario makes it hard to grasp in reality. This is happening. My actions are real. It has got to be good!

But then I found myself liking this pace. That I am enough. I stopped feeding my ego and anxiety, until another hurricane decided to come along. Falling in love and getting my heart broken simultaneously got me. Crying over a guy that does not deserve it? That's for supper. Spending the entire day pretending I am not petty? Easy breakfast.

It gave me icks that I tripped easily over pebbles. This is due to the fact that I myself carry a huge rock on the back. As if it has been nothing. It did not bring me down the way these little shit did.

I cannot do this--sabotaging myself. I could feel my energy drained to its core, where else everybody catches up. Who in the world easily forgets to regulate her breathing, comme moi?

---

And it now has been two years since the whole careership sailed, but still, it gets wobbly every time. I now reached the age where people said whose frontal lobe completely develops. I find some revelations and courage to bid farewell to things that have tied me down for a decade, but apparently the direct impact was that I could not stand up well, let alone to walk away so quickly. But I managed to be the bigger person, and tried to reassemble life as it should.

So much homework on the list, despite me ticking a big one off. The shoulders still feel as heavy as they have been all these years. Expectations still build up like dandruff. I hate the fact that I can't scratch my anxiety away. And what is this, really? A ranting post---again?

Life will still fuck me up, I just have to embrace it a little bit better.

26 PLEAAAAAASE BE KIND!

- A.G.

Things I Did Not Say

It was not cowardice that stopped me from conveying things I wanted to say. It was most definitely not pity nor wishful thinking that the person might come back. I am glad that 'it' is gone from my life; would not do anything otherwise.

The sort of thing that kept me stuck was regret. It was a regret that I had not saved myself quicker before the ship sank to the bottom of the ocean. It was a regret that I had let myself suffer from the cold waves of embarrassment.

We were two ambitious people playing a stupid game for a stupid prize; in the end, it was the matter of who was dumber. I am thankful enough that I saw the signs early enough to win, but 'it' scored. A few solid points.

The past weeks, I had been angry. Enraged. My emotions were big enough to kill a person--at least in my mind.

But there I found strength. Pride, that I took the high road. I apologized for my shit instead of lying and covering up the way the other person did. I admit I hurt someone. I forgave, even when the person in question truly did not deserve it.

After a long time pondering and getting the closure I needed, I concluded that I do not care.

But a phone call from this creature, claiming the victory I fucking earned, reawakened hatred and memories of how 'it' had wronged me. Tonight, I decided that this person's existence will be reduced to a single unimportant being, an 'it'.

They said it was not worth trying to win against a pigeon at a chess game. I would let 'it' believe that 'it' won. But then again, 'it' will find a way to read this, so hear me out.

Being the bigger person sucks. It does not reward you anything but content and peace. It was hard, but I refrained from hurting anyone. Yet apparently, there will always be someone that uses your silence to their advantage, plastering up their skeletons in the walls of their straight-up lies.

'It' tells me to forget what is in the past, when 'it' is the one so badly clings onto it. What a joke.

It was not a he said she said kind of thing. It was the truth. There was no point in contesting truth--nor clarifying one. Yet apparently, there will always be someone that attempts to dictate you into seconding their narratives.

'It' said it itself. Truth is truth. I just chose to be quiet. I did not blame its bloodied hands for stabbing me in the back. I simply rose from the dead and walked away. But 'it' repaid me by making me feel like a stupid loser, when in fact 'it' gets the bigger L.

As conflicted and shitty as I am feeling right now, I am comforted by the fact that 'it' will not have it easy. 'It' gave me a torch enough to set up his world on blazing fire. Heck, 'it' itself is easily flammable--a walking problem.

Another fun part is, I do not even need to try and see how 'its' shit all ends. I know how it will go; messy, dark, and plain stupid. Just like how 'it' is.

'It' has made such a great hell for itself and I will laugh watching them all crumble into dust.

A.G.

Cheesy Koreaboo Problem

I often ridicule Korean dramas that depict a couple still being in love despite being separated for years. Who the hell is still in love with a particular person from the past when they are already married to their respective partners?

Guess it is a shame to admit that now I know how that feels. That many times, feelings do not just disappear. They come and go, yes. But will you be able to love someone even when fate makes fun of you by drifting both of you apart? Apparently, you will.

It would be a great thing to rediscover love, really, if it was reciprocal. However, there was another possibility. Loving someone who does not deserve it--the most ironic love there is. 

When you are in such a situation, you often forget that you deserve to be loved as well; or at least your feelings should be appreciated. One can be trapped in a situation for years where they let themselves think that it was just the way. Many could not translate love properly, but they actually cared, right? And everything just snowballed into a huge pile of questions. Many would never really confront the other. We wanted to keep the other close, no matter the circumstances. Funny enough, these people end up suppressing their own feelings.

After all the years, many of us who suffered from a chronic unrequited love would think that we could truly let go one day. We bid our farewell many times and never really wanted to look back after crying for a few days to the point our eyes swelled. But when that particular person came to bid their own one night, asking why we disappeared, we would just let our guards down. Many of us would just pour all of our feelings out, only to receive some simple explanations.

I did not notice at that time, a very important remark from him. A remark that explained it all.

When I asked him for time to process things, he deliberately asked, 

"Oh, so now you're going to treat me the way I have treated you, huh? Being cold and distant?"

The foolish me quickly clarified and apologized. We talked for four hours that night, yet we never really found any resolution. It was another sweeping the dust under the rug. But now that I think of it turned out he was aware of things. He was aware that he was cold. He deliberately did that.

The moment I realized this, I finally was that our conversations were never conversations. They were merely interviews. A one-way update. Me asking, and him answering, mostly at times when I needed someone to talk to. I asked other friends about what they would do if a friend reached out. All of them said that they would at least ask back how the friend was. So it was not me being expectant, after all. It is common sense for friends to put in the effort.

If one could never return our feelings after all these years, yet they stayed, the last thing they could do was to be a good and caring friend. But if they failed to do even that last bit, perhaps it is time for us to ponder and reflect. Are we merely trophies?

I finally let go. I released myself from the leash that has kept me stay still all these years. I yearned for so much affectionate feedback I would never receive from him as he dwelled on his own misfortunes. And receive it I shall. The piled-up disappointment almost turned into resentment. Sadly, that moment never came. As quickly as I had fallen in love, I forgave.

That, apparently, became my greatest power.

Now my Korean drama list never looks better.

A Bit of an Update*

It is probable that no one will read this, but this is the only way to let someone know that I am in pain. I have humiliated myself by telling this to people, only to regret it.

I am aware that what I am about to say is very self-centered. You can even read how many Is that I have written so far. But I can't lie, really. I am selfish and I want to be loved and needed.

With all the adversity and change of plans this year, it was hard to really find my place in life. Knowing that I graduated not having a job, staying as a burden to my parents was the worst I could think of. I was showered with questions "Where do you work now?" "Do you have any career plans?" as if they had expected me to excel. I had too, actually--believing that I could make lemonade with any lemons life threw at me.

But I failed selections, I haven't heard anything from companies and firms I applied to. I truly had no idea how to survive in this environment. Guess this is the consequence of not being a planner, only sticking to one thing in mind.

I was confused and devastated. Still am. I tried to reassure myself that I deserve the break, I could let myself breathe for a while. That many faced similar things in this pandemic. That I might stand a chance. I took up courses and spent my time doing house chores. I got to pray more diligently as well.

But of course, I felt very much defeated. I realized how poor my skillsets were, that they were not selling enough. That I was not enough. No one really needed me as a person. No one found me useful.

I tried really, to redirect my energy and love to people I want to shower them with. This is something I am very good at; caring about other people. I asked them how they were, I spared my time whenever they needed me. It was sincere, really, because in this trying time, staying in touch is my best effort. Whenever they needed my help and I felt I could lend a hand, I would do that. I initiated to do it oftentimes because I knew how busy and overwhelmed they could be. I reassured myself that I still could do something.

In return, I didn't ask for much. I just thought that it would be nice to be appreciated. It would be nice if someone could at least ask how I was. No one has to be there for me all the time, no one has to thank me. Just remind me that I meant something.

Nevertheless, I am trying. I am trying to be alive each day, to stay functional, to stay useful. I promise you I will not stop trying. I might cry myself to sleep, or find it difficult to breathe. But I'll stick around.

I'll try to write something nice later. Perhaps a poem or prose.

Until then.

-A.G.

*perhaps a cry for help.

I Don't Like June

When you google what the best months of the year are, many will include June on the top of their lists. I can see why it appears so.

Junes are times for breaks. Moments where most can finally take a breather and truly enjoy life for a bit. Summer breaks are relatively the longest, I suppose? At least that is how it is where I live.

Don't forget the fact that this Gemini-Cancer season, many notable leaders were born (though they appear to be more on the Gemini sides). Come to think of it, Geminis are indeed cheerful, communicative, and charming. They know how to drive things the way they aspire them to be; and this is not always a negative thing.

But let's just skip the horoscopes and signs and whatnot. We need to talk about June itself. June can be said the checkpoint of a year. June tells you that you're half-way finishing the year. The perfect time for people to really reflect on how they have spent the last six months of the year and decide if they have to restrategize so all the remaining times won't turn to waste.

June is also supposed to be the perfect time to get hitched. Many weddings happen in June. Perhaps it's due to the perfect weather. Or back to the very first argument, it's where people are most vacant from their mundane work.

I used to think that I love June. Would not that be obvious, considering I was a part of the June community?

I share birthdays with these ((awesome)) people, like Lana Del Rey (before she made that controversial ignorant posts), Soekarno (before he turned into a narcissist), Benazir Bhutto (before she got killed), Jokowi (before he got terribly hated on). I mean, what could possibly go wrong with June?

Surprise, surprise. As I am writing this, I am laying on my bed, with the laptop literally on top of my lap (yes, just one lap while the other one established a strong footing). My head and neck hurt from the weird and awful position of the pillow (that I cannot bother to fix), and I have been replaying the same playlist three times now--I am specifically listening to Renee Olstead's version of Through The Fire. I would have to be honest that I believe her version is a lot better than Chaka Khan's. It sounds more intimate to me--wait, nevermind. The song has now changed into SALES' Chinese New Year.

Wait, where was I? Ah, right. Surprise, surprise. I am now writing on how much I loathe this month.

Not sure how it all started, but I remember always feeling rather down and odd on my birthdays. Not all, of course, I remember moments when I got to celebrate with my family. Mom and Dad gave me cool CDs about the story of Muslim prophets (those were good, one of the earlier clay movies back in the days that I recollected). Or the first time (and the only time so far) I got to celebrate it with a boyfriend (who got me my first rose). Or when my crush at the time got me my first bouquet (while being aware that I liked him) along with the troubles we both had caused for the delivery guy.

Okay, some of them were actually great.

But nevertheless, I remember that one birthday when friends I considered closest didn't show up at all despite Mom's effort to cook two big batches of pasta, just because I had my period and we had to cancel the waterpark birthday celebration. Or when a similar event occurred in my high school time. Or times when I woke up sick after the whole staycation fiasco. Not many birthdays ago, I had to go through depression due to a dysfunctional team for a competition I barely understood (with only one person to hold on to, out of four other people in the team), and ended up losing after all. Many other things that happened in June, though not particularly on my birthday, have left me with a distaste for it.

I am aware that there is this pattern, that I am most bitter in particular months, including--and especially--June. Some of my most intense nights crying happened in June. June usually ends on a sour note for me.

As always, I try to analyze why. This overthinking trait of mine, I guess. I just want to make logic of things that have happened to me. Why do I hate June? Why can't I love and celebrate this moment as I should have?

The only explanation that came up to me was that I have always had too many expectations in June. I have been hopeful that I would have a blast on my birthday, that things I want to achieve--my goals, aspirations, plans--all could be realized by this time of year. I expect people dear to me can be there for me. I expect to do something somewhere the way I want it to for it. And all these expectations arise since I kind of have more time to do so.

I have also considered my lack of gratitude for it. I, perhaps, have wished too much that I ignore all the blessings I have in front of me, within my hands and reach, that may be more than I initially deserved. I overlook good things that have happened to me--my health, a complete set of family, and other socio-economic privileges.

However, I could not deny the pain my own thoughts have brought me over the past few years. Sometimes I don't exactly know what I want and it also frustrates me as much. I have always been scared of losing. Losing people, losing some kind of momentum, and all other good things. I sincerely want to feel happiest, but the series of events that led me to it, combined with my bitter soul have corrupted June in many possible ways.

I don't think this year will bring much difference. I had set many goals to fulfill this year. Big things I never expected to be within my reach. I had carefully planned it all. But then the pandemic took most away, but I prevailed. I tried to look for the silver linings and just moved on with life. I did well so far, at least until May ended.

June came along and I am now faced with hurdles of insecurities and (almost) regrets. I haven't touched my thesis again for two days now, though I plan to finish before my birthday. My mind is occupied by things that are supposed to be complementary, and I fear that Mom's concerns will come true. I have been stressed out of the outcome of my projects--which don't look that good at the moment--where they involve quite substantial people I don't want to lose trust from.

I have been getting back those old stomach cramps I would suffer from every time I stress out. I remember that even teachers in middle school thought I was making my pain up. But I really did have those cramps. Followed along by skin rashes as always. I honestly wish that the next few weeks could just be skipped, or I could have this week-long hibernation at least until my birthday ends.

Hell, I have planned to bake my own cake. I bought the equipment. I wanted to feel happy and content. But I start to doubt that I could even breathe on my birthday. I even wish that it would not be my birthday. I have been crying too tonight, but I am sad.

I just wanted to point out that I am trying to be grateful, to always stay happy, to always count my blessings. I am trying to look past my expectations. I am trying--and that's the bottom line, that's what is important. But for now, at least tonight, I decided that I don't like June. Maybe I'll change my mind--as I am a Gemini with heavy Cancer traits after all. But hey, I don't have to like it tonight.

Now as Renee Olstead's render is back on playing, I have finally come to a full circle. I honestly just wanted to write it to channel all the fidgets I have. It kinda works, actually. My heart rate has slowed down. I can feel the blood rushing back to my feet. I think I'll cry a bit more just to make sure.

I'll try to sleep on my despise of you, June. Don't worry.

Good night, everyone, except for June!

-A.G.