The sun was kind enough not to set me on fire, though the humidity was not to my liking. Streets were busy as usual, with bikes not caring much about keeping the traffic in order. I caught myself back in the city that never sleeps, the city that holds many of my giant dreams.
I wish I could find the perfect word to describe my situation. I could feel it at the tip of my tongue but guess my memory was that much of a loser to give up on me so quickly. There was a slight discomfort here and there, yet I found myself quite at ease. Perhaps it was the wedges; I had been practicing wearing high heels and those alike the past weeks. A poor attempt at adulting, really. Thanks to that, though, I realized that my physical balance was just...horrendous. I tripped here and there, and I could feel callouses building up on my heels. Perhaps a few scratches at the end of the day.
This naive girl also learned how to flirt! A milestone, you could say. She always hated the fact that she could not go to anyone for an embrace or romantic affirmations, but now she loves her freedom too much it worries her parents. Her prospects of getting married are there, but will she go past her prime? At least she found herself a so-called friend that would be there to tell her pseudo-romantic phrases like 'love you too'. Guess she still has so much to discover.
So many creatures here thirsty for blood. There will be wars and battles coming up to get that throne. The job requires passionate and ambitious youth, and passionate and ambitious youth they shall receive. Some of my new colleagues have gone through half of the reading materials. I barely even started. Just managed to get my hands on the books--illegally, of course. Your girl can never spend that much money except for food and clothing.
My life's motto right after entering the arena is 'fake it till you make it'. One can present things with minimum knowledge yet strong conviction. Misleading, I get it, but I guess many of us will do so just to survive. Your head should stay above the surface. You cannot drown right from the start.
This has been a childhood dream. I had imagined from an early age that I would be here. I manifested the situation. International forums and negotiations; were all scripted in the head. I have prepared myself to be here, but the fact that it has stayed a scenario makes it hard to grasp in reality. This is happening. My actions are real. It has got to be good!
But then I found myself liking this pace. That I am enough. I stopped feeding my ego and anxiety, until another hurricane decided to come along. Falling in love and getting my heart broken simultaneously got me. Crying over a guy that does not deserve it? That's for supper. Spending the entire day pretending I am not petty? Easy breakfast.
It gave me icks that I tripped easily over pebbles. This is due to the fact that I myself carry a huge rock on the back. As if it has been nothing. It did not bring me down the way these little shit did.
I cannot do this--sabotaging myself. I could feel my energy drained to its core, where else everybody catches up. Who in the world easily forgets to regulate her breathing, comme moi?
---
And it now has been two years since the whole careership sailed, but still, it gets wobbly every time. I now reached the age where people said whose frontal lobe completely develops. I find some revelations and courage to bid farewell to things that have tied me down for a decade, but apparently the direct impact was that I could not stand up well, let alone to walk away so quickly. But I managed to be the bigger person, and tried to reassemble life as it should.
So much homework on the list, despite me ticking a big one off. The shoulders still feel as heavy as they have been all these years. Expectations still build up like dandruff. I hate the fact that I can't scratch my anxiety away. And what is this, really? A ranting post---again?
Life will still fuck me up, I just have to embrace it a little bit better.
26 PLEAAAAAASE BE KIND!
- A.G.
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