Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Beyond Plans and Expectations

Just like the title above, you'll sure know what I'm going to say.

So have you ever been in the situation where you think that someone is the one you've been looking for and it's just a matter of time to make it official and tie yourselves with some commitment and anything.

Or so you thought.

Maybe it wasn't him all along but you just didn't notice. Or you were just so blinded about it because of the storyline you expected to happen.

Maintaining the relationship between me and him, I've tried so many things; how I pleased his ego by giving him compliments, sweet words, and notes and all but they still led us to a conclusion that he was getting bored of me.

Seriously, getting bored of someone you love?

Ah, maybe he didn't even love me from the start. Maybe we concluded it too early. Maybe there had never been any love between us.

I was in pain; tortured by his words which really were hurtful enough to make me wonder 'maybe I am such a trouble'. How he blamed everything to me and avoid me just like how strangers do. Boy, if you want to be my boyfriend then act like one.

He could always tell me with kind words and all. When people dislike me, he could stand up for me and defend me but when there are only two of us he tells me to change the way I behave; not avoiding me just like how others do to each other. Others who don't love each other.

But although I felt very insulted and disrespected, I still miss and slightly regret of my decision. Although he sometimes made me cry, there were also a lot of times when he lightened me up with smiles and laughters. Although people think about him as a creepy person, there are times when he can be the handsomest thing on Earth.

There are a lot of moment getting through together. The moment when we met each other, knew each other, liked each other, and planned things each other. But sadly I guess the possibility of it has now decreased.

Why?

Why are you doing such mean things? How you really don't care about my feelings and all really hurts me.

But to be honest, I still like him. So much. I can't make the trace of him out of both my heart and mind and I just can't stop thinking of the imagination of us being together for a couple of years knowing each other's family and all.

Then suddenly he just smiled as if nothing ever happened and once again gave me the smile he used to throw at me and I felt secured again.

Maybe, just maybe, we concluded things too early again. Maybe it wasn't supposed to be over;just yet. Maybe we were meant to be. Maybe everything is just a little rock blocking the path and maybe we could be like we used to be. Maybe we can develop. Maybe we love each other.

But slowly and slowly, I finally learned something.

Being in a relationship isn't about planning about the future. It's not about designing it. It's about to enjoy the process and love the present. Because what matters the most is not whether you'll end up being together or not, but whether or not you love being with him right now.

Just like one of my favorite song from Tangga which I haven't figured out what the title is (damn), it's about how we shouldn't care or bother that much about the future of being together, but your present togetherness.

And from enjoying and really living the relationship now to the max, you'll learn how to understand each other and how we should accept each other without taking this relationship for granted.

So, have you learned your lessons yet?

-Abigail Gee