Hi everyone,
I know the title was rather misleading since a month has passed since the new year but this whole post might as well explain why it got really delayed. This entire post was the reason why I wrote it ( if this makes sense?). Anyways, here it goes.
2018 was just something.
I had no other words to describe my overall feeling about it. I just think that 2018 had been very eye-opening to me. This eye-opening experience itself was not entirely positive.
It all started with a tiny bump at the beginning of the year. I was in between choices at that moment; I needed to choose whether I would continue a legacy people had been expecting of me or I would just pursue things that would help me shine in another field. This stressed me out, as I had been very indecisive and unaware of how both options would affect me in the future.
I got into my current school with the hope of realizing my dream career. That job was all I ever wanted to be almost all my life (except the early years of elementary school when I dreamed to be an astronaut). I carefully paved my way to the top and tried to plan everything in life. But as someone who can be super curious about so many things at the same time, I was distracted from my missions during my freshman year. I ended up doing things that did not even correlate to what I wanted to become. By the way, this statement does NOT imply that the work I had done at that time was useless or in vain; it just did not match my initial goal hence the plan got a bit ruined.
Although I enjoyed my time during these activities I did and I was grateful for the experience I never really had during my high-school years and prior to them, I was a bit down since I basically put my plans on hold for almost a year. Thus, when I decided to redraw from the activities and tried to go back to what I had been pursuing, I found myself super confused.
This confusion I encountered was very unfamiliar. The first time I entered a competition in my university year, I was afraid. I did not know all these faces. I did not even know what I had been missing all this time. Negative thoughts showered me; what if my technique was no longer relevant? What if everybody already got better than me? What if I would never ever win again?
As these horrible thoughts and feelings clouded me, it got me rather demotivated. I ended up doing things half-heartedly, hoping that everything would be over in no time. I was too focused on finishing things than making sure that I finished strong. I also did not care much about what I did or if the competitions I was joining actually suited my goal or not. The urge to win something or to achieve something was way bigger than my considerations.
I realized that I longed to be useful; I longed to belong somewhere. I longed to know what I was meant to be, and now I got lost and felt completely and utterly useless.
To see my friends flourish--win competitions, attend conferences, get nominated the best student, earn outstanding grades--got the best of me. I AM a very envious person. I easily compare myself to other people. Ironically, I am very very much aware that this kind of behavior is toxic. But, believe me, it can be really hard not to see other people (especially if you are surrounded by high-achievers) are already hundreds of steps ahead of you.
This may sound very arrogant, but before this happened, I rarely lost in competitions. This got me so much confidence and helped me get through problems and challenges. Can you imagine how this kind of person reacts if faced with failures?
They break.
Not only that, I got myself in a situation where I lost to people that should not even be there. This might sound confusing and I could not really tell all the details. In short, we had a selection to be in a team for a very prestigious competition and I got in. But all my expectations fell short. Aside from internal problems, a few people that did not make it due to some reasons joined the competition as a team without the faculty knowing and secured their position in the final. I hated my teammates and resented the people who did not play fair and square.
I was very depressed and emotional during the summer break. I got away from social media, cut off communications with friends and did not reply to any single message I received. Not to mention the painful daily dose of tears. It was a painful holiday I needed to get through, accompanied by utter failures.
When summer break was over and we went back to campus, I got better eventually and studied hard. I rarely skipped class; I even had perfect attendance in some classes. I made sure I took notes in every session and reread them again. I studied even when I fell very sick during test seasons. But, apparently, life loved to make fun of me.
The cherry on top to all my failures in 2018 was when I received my online report card. Overall, I got way better scores compared to the previous terms. But I got unlucky in one subject where I FAILED.
I FAILED A CLASS. I needed to assure myself that morning when I woke up to this nightmare.
If you are not aware of my school system, here is a little information. Indonesian university grading system only recognizes the title cum laude. In my university, you can only obtain cum laude title if you can maintain your GPA above 3.5, graduate in time (3.5-4 years), and never fail a class. Even if you retake a class and manage to fulfill the other two requirements, once you fail in a class, you can NOT be a cum laude graduate.
I was horrified. I was completely down.
This left me with feeling very useless. I ended up gaining weight for punishing myself. So here I was in a state of feeling ugly, unwanted, and worthless. I did not take anything seriously. I was devastated. So much. The cycle of the previous break continued. I avoided talking to my friends because I did not want to know that they succeeded and I would be hurt. If I had to, I would and I would try to be as composed as possible though it broke me so badly.
When I tried to get up again, I asked a couple of friends to join a competition, but no one responded to me when the deadline encountered. Called them but nobody replied. Even days after we missed the deadline, they did not reach out to me. Apart from the disappointment I felt toward my friends, I was mostly disappointed at myself. Did they hate me? Did I do no good?
Fuck me, right? I suck at everything. Now the institution I dreamed to work at wouldn't even look at me. I let my parents down. What have I been doing with all the time? Why is life so unfair?
I wasted my time playing games, sleeping, and eating. Basically, I lived the rest of my holiday like a pig. Until I was required to get out of my bed and do things for a club I am currently responsible for. That was the moment when I felt like I had some good use again. The event(s) pushed me to get better. I was genuinely happy. Then, after attending the events, I got some time to contemplate. I realized something I had not earlier.
During all the things that had happened in 2018, I did not really think of MY PART in the failure I brought myself upon. Yes, I did blame and cuss at myself in the narratives, but did I really introspect? I noticed that I kept BLAMING most of the part of the failures to other people, even to my own previous choices as if they were something external. This perspective stopped me from actually IMPROVING and CORRECTING my mistakes.
I overlooked the fact that my friends have been putting their best effort in everything they are working on, while I only 'try things out' instead of seriously execute them. If I want some changes in my life, I should be the one that brings it to myself. I shouldn't spend my time identifying whose fault shit happened to me was and invest it in finding solutions and improving instead.
After this whole realization, I felt better and tried to improve things little by little. I hope to be more positive in 2019, let's just see how it goes.
With that being said, I plan to write more frequently from now on, whatever that is, one post per month MINIMUM. The content will vary, from tips, reviews, rants, and many others. I hope that my fellow readers are still out there and can share their stories, experiences, and suggestions with me too.
The tone of the blog will be much different from last years, where I sounded a lot more sugary and sweet while dark and depressive at the same time. This time, it would just be me being me; in whatever state I may be.
I need to familiarize myself with everything again. It may be tiring, but I guess it could be fun to discover old passions or new things I never expected to see--or to some extent, be.
So, happy new year?
-Abigail Gee
