You are a girl with ambitions and dreams and hopes. You have always imagined yourself standing with pride behind a podium, delivering a speech regarding women empowerment. You have dreamed to be someone people can count on, trust, and believe in. You have wanted yourself to achieve all the good things in life, as a reward of your hard work. You have set plans on where you want to continue studying, working, and eventually reaching all your life goals. You have always been persistent in getting your dreams, making them come true, because you know that your loved ones have faith in you, yet you never truly realized that these people never expected anything from you but to be a kind and loving human being in the future.
You have tried to please your parents and become someone your brother can look up to. You have tried to be this student the teachers will always remember. You have achieved so many things in life. You have become a familiar face to everyone, and yet, you have never felt like you're good enough.
But then you somehow become very ambitious. You slowly become arrogant and bossy, trying to justify all of your actions. You disagree with all decisions others make and instead force them to see from your perspective. You are just one uptight bitch.
Then they start to hate you. They talk about you behind your back, they make fun of you, and they cooperate to bring you down. As you have no idea about it, you just keep thinking that life seems to shower you with all the luck in the world.
But then they show it. They ridicule you in public, they confront you with mocks and they call you names. The whole class hates you, they throw rubbish at you, they make you do everything. You are powerless. You have no friends left to defend you. You do have friends who live far away from you, but they can't be there for you everyday and help you to get through the day. You only find comfort at home and your books, where no one judges you and they forgive.
Then you try to be friends with those who care less about your problems. You start hanging out with them. You take them to your house, showering them with treats and delights. They like having you. Then you let your guard down, and you start forgetting about all your pains. You think you finally found people who can take you for who you are.
But then, when it comes to your special day, they refuse to come because you don't pamper them enough. They think it is such a waste to go to your house to celebrate the happiest day for you because you cannot fulfill that water park visit you've promised them because you suddenly have your period.
Then you think that everything is a lie. You start finding shelter elsewhere, but no one seems to bother trying to be nice to you. You feel completely alone. You sometimes hang out with other people from other classes, but it seems like they have their own gangs as well. You end up skipping classes, doing badly in the class, and cry when no one sees you.
You start hurting yourself, both mentally and physically. Scissors and cutters are your favorite things, and you love seeing yourself bleeding. You'd rather cut your arms and wrists, than to feel the pain you have in the chest. You then spend most of your time to think and decide that you'll just kneel down to every one of them.
You start to believe that if you do something good, it will go back to you. You start to think that people will like you if you please them. So you make the best of yourself and basically offer yourself to them, expecting that they will do the same to you. You look weak, you look hopeless, you look miserably desperate. You get your friends, but then you feel incomplete and unhappy.
And you make friends in the middle of your desperation with some kind acquaintances. They sincerely want to help you, but then you mistake them as not just your saviors, but your best friends. You declare your friendships quickly and you are very excited about having them around for quite some time.
But turns out they don't think the same of you. They find you annoying. They want to be friends with you, for free food or other privileges they may not have if they're not friends with you. You give them everything. Anything they ask, everything you own. You want them to be pleased, and so they will treat you like you're one of them.
And your birthday comes along. You have promised them that you will take them to the best waterpark in town, alongside with the food treats. You will make them so happy and you remind them about presents and gifts you're expecting. But then you see red stains on your pants; you're having your period. You can't go to the waterpark and you promise them good food instead.
Your mom has been cooking since dawn for your friends, hoping that they will celebrate your birthday at your house. You've prepared everything from meals and beverages, to decorations. You still want to make them delighted with your party.
But then you receive mails that they all decided not to come, as you break your promise on taking them to waterpark. All you can do is just stand there and you don't dare to tell your mom about your friends. You end up crying on your own, in your room, sobbing while hoping that your mom will not find out about the tears.
With your swollen eyes then you come to your mom and tell her the bad news. Her face looks sad and all she does is be silent. She says nothing as she does not know what to say to you, how to comfort you, and how to tell you that it is okay when everything isn't.
And soon you choose to move to another city and be happy for a whole year, because everyone is so welcoming. The environment is so diverse that you feel like you belong there, since everyone is accepted.
But then high school comes and you choose to attend a school far away from home, being isolated from the outer world. You get to know three hundred new people introduced to you as your new friends. And they all start to make peer groups, and you're left behind, just like the all days.
Your anxiety comes around again, as if visiting an old friend. It stays there for two years, and you have nothing else to say and to lose. You live in pains you cannot share with your family, or simply no one. You are completely alone.
You win championships, but then people resent you for it. People think that you are not cool, you don't look nice, you are not pretty, you're unworthy of everything. So you start to look for your old friends; scissors and cutters.
Then you suffer from panic attacks, severe ones. You start to doubt yourself and the same pattern of cycle happens again and makes you feel a lot more miserable.
Until a gentle hand offers you a help to get out of the darkness. This man offers you shoulders to cry on. And you get to smile again.
And with only just one person, you feel fine.
And you may also call him a friend.
And then you get to survive life and high school.
With some dramas, of course. But life seems to be all better.
And college days come and you happily embrace them. You know that things will be alright. You will be fine, as long as you keep the closest ones to the heart. You start to know people and be friends with them. You dare yourself to join organizations and drown yourself in hectic schedule. You make yourself brave enough to be happy and to be carefree for a little while.
And now, you get to see the sky so bright and blue, while whispering your favorite mantra,
"Life is not so bad after all."
Would you finally find genuine happiness within?
Monday, February 20, 2017
Sometimes I wonder how people define love. Love, for me, is an abstract matter that portrays different meanings for each individual. The way I interpret my feelings, for me, is far away from how I think love is like. Love is something a lot more fundamental than just being attracted and mentally attached to one self or someone else. I believe love also means being fully responsible towards the ideas, implications, and problems that may follow the affection, and completely accepting flaws and mistakes of one self or someone else.
And you may fall in love with more than one person at the same time.
But when you are emotionally and and officially attached to someone, is the feeling of loving someone else other than your s.o. a form of infidelity? I don't think so.
I think there will always be moment when one is currently with another, can give the same amount of affection to a third person (and/or more) as love is limitless. Love is just, infinite.
I don't know if I believe this, but I think we all are capable of loving more than just one person and love each one of them as equal. I don't think love has limited seats for certain people only; and love comes in different forms. I feel attached towards both, and maybe more.
I am happy. I just am.
I am sorry, this is just a short piece of mind. I'll bring you longer posts next time!
Posted by Abigail Gee at 3:59 PM