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Saturday, May 5, 2018

Regression?

Hi!

I still can't believe that although years have passed since the first time I ran this blog, I still come and seek sanctuary here, I'd also like to thank readers, whom I may or may not know, for reading the posts. They are kind of hopeless, I must say. All of these are just products of my negative thoughts, rants, and sadness I had no idea where to channel them.

I have been such an open book for years here, letting the whole world know about my problems and situations, which I suppose are not quite mature actions I pulled. But you see, as someone who can't really be genuine about her feelings most of the time, this is the most honest thing I could come up with.

And yes, I'm about to tell you guys virtually on what is happening in my life at the moment.

I have been so disappointed with myself recently. I used to joining competitions and being rather popular for my achievements. Underneath all of the things I had earned, I had always been a not-so confident person. I might look or sound arrogant a few years ago, but believe me, I was just one messy thing that needed reassurance that things were going fine. And winning in several competitions, or serving with certain positions actually calmed me down. They made me feel like I could define myself; that I was worth of something.

After attending college, I started being more involved in committees and organizations rather than competitions. I was so into it that all the plans I had made regarding competitions just disappeared. I'd rather go to meetings than to finish a book I had just started reading; I constantly did not finish all the competitions I tried to sign up for; I dedicated most of my time for organizations and committees, increased my mobility level to its peak. I was happy for a while.

Until last year happened.

I was so involved in an organization. I was a staff in a department which served to run advocacy in many social issues. I was happy that I got to be useful for real; but really, I was rather struggling. I suddenly realized that I was faced to more a destined path; people had expected me to run for the head of department the next year, and for student body president afterwards. I was truly aware that this opportunity would shut the others; my dreams and chances of getting into any competitions I had been aiming for, so I decided to turn the position down. I applied for another position in another organization instead, which the timeline would allow me to join several competitions.

But after forgetting all the old ambitions I had, I felt kind of crippled when I returned to the 'battlefield'. I signed up for a competition I once joined when I was in high school. I had always been so passionate about speech competitions. I was a story-teller too, so being expressive in delivering my speech was not that hard.

But for the first time in my life, I was not unsure of myself; I did not believe in words I let out.

And unfortunately, it wasn't just me who didn't. Apparently the judges did not buy my words either. So they did not make me a finalist, and stopped my journey in the semifinals.

I'm sure that some of you would think, 'Why can't she just be grateful for what she did? It was rather great for someone who hadn't competed in years to get to the semifinals.'

No, it's not great for me.

I had been feeling insecure and so worthless these past few years whenever I saw someone who could run both worlds really well as I was just struggling to find my own definition of myself. No, it's not good enough.

I had always been defined with the titles and awards I won; and not being able to win made me feel even more worthless. I had lost myself. I felt really useless. I felt like I couldn't do anything. I was so mad at myself I could not even shed a tear. Why couldn't I pull it off? What went wrong? How did I make it right?

My post today won't end with me telling you guys my revelations and how I solved the problem, because I still haven't figured out how to feel or overcome the feelings. But I am coping up; still looking for ways to make it up to myself, or at least to believe in myself.

But I did realize that I didn't believe in myself enough, that I couldn't make people believe in me. I recently noticed that I couldn't really talk in public anymore. I used to be this kind of person who would happily offer people help or engage them in small conversations whenever I traveled by myself. But now, I couldn't even say sorry or thank you loudly. They would all come out as a little sigh, unnoticed.

Maybe I should try being confident. Maybe I should listen to myself. Maybe I should be more grateful to what I have and am now.

And I guess I have to seek the answer to all the maybes now.


-Abigail Gee