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Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Self- Reflection

Recently I've been thinking of lots of things. From my future education, my family, and relationships I have with people around me.

I've been facing problems which I feel like they will never end. At least soon. But then I kept thinking. Am I the one doing the wrongs that people tend to hate?

I've been doing things which disappoint people and I don't know how I can fix them all.

I got into a very deep breaking down, repeating my old life in junior high.

There's something that I should tell you guys. I've been trying to write you guys motivational words, quotes, and encouragements, but just like what most of the people say; 'you can solve other's problems while it's hard to solve yours.'

That's me.

I was bullied back in my younger years and I got ito a very depressing situation where I could barely hold things by myself. I barely had friends and people were such hypocrites. I called in sick for a few times in junior high and I did stupid thngs in the house. My health went decreasing and I became a very paranoid person. I then developed a feeling where I couldn't stand being hated and having enemies. I even started talking to myself, thinking about chances where people might hate me. I became a very silent person in school and I did things by myself.

It was a few horrible years, then I moved to Balikpapan when I was a 9 grader. No, my friends in Bali weren't that bad, they were just acting like grown ups, just like what most of us did. It was normal, yet it was a bit horrible for me. Although it was hard for me to take in, lately I understood it all; we all would eventually grow up and be mature, but each of us have a different way to reach it.

Then it took me the whole year to recover from the pain that I had felt for the whole two years.  I slowly made friends and I hung out very often with my friends. I felt accepted for who I was and I felt a bit more confident in socializing.

Then I attended TN. I ws so happy and I felt confident that it would turn to be a great year. And it was, althought some things came up but I managed to get through it.

But, as what we call ups and downs in life, I finally had my second down.

I needed to get through a quite long time of breakdown this 2015. It happened for a whole month and I was so messed up because of that. I felt hated, I felt intervened, I felt like everyone couldnt understand me. And the first snap happened.

One night I felt so stressed and I couldn't breathe. The whole dorm went panic, I was too. It had been years since the last time I got the snap, because the last time I had one was when I was bullied in junior high school. I was taken to the medical unit in the campus and I didn't attend my classes the next day.

I was so surprised to see myself this down again. The doctor told me I shouldn't keep things for myself and so I would not get hysterical anymore; which was the reason why I couldn't breathe, I also shouldn't overthink. And  I thought that the whole panic was over.

I thought.

It turned out that the rest of the month became as stressful as that day. I started to harm myself again, I couldn't breathe for two more times. I told my friends weird things, I got panic and I was very scared to go to school. I cried over little things, I kept apologizing over simple problems and I daydreamed all the time. I tried to tell my friends that I trusted about this very often, but then slowly I felt like I had given them such annoyance and they were a bit uncomfortable by it. Especially when it came to a boy friend of mine. People thought that I liked him, but actually I didn't. I believed in his opinion and thoughts but the others thought that I was trying to hit on him. Then because of the awkwardness, I barely talked to him anymore and I started to feel as if no one would be by my side. Then my girl friends made me realized that I still had some more people to hold on to and they would be there fr me when they were needed.

I was so happy and really happy. I tried to face my problems. I started praying more often, reading my Koran (Al-Qur'an). Then I got recovered; way more quickly than the first one. I slowly learned things because of this terrifying month. And I feel a lot wiser and relieved now.

Dear beauty, I know that sometimes life gives you things that's hard for you to take in, but God will never give you lessons you're not capable in getting through. It takes time to digest things, but you'll eventually figure things out on your own.

Just don't forget about what you believe in, and that even when it seems like everyone turns your back on you, there are still a lot of people who care about you. They exist but you're just too scared to look. And I also learn that some problems are not meant to be solved; you just need to get through them and leave them behind. You shouldn't be worried about what future might offer you, you just need to embrace it with smile and gratefulness. Be happy. I know that my words sound cliche but I mean it and they really work. Try to take the positive side out everytime you face things that you don't desire.

And try to evaluate yourself instead of overrate it. Being better is different than being new you. You shoudln't become a NEW you. You just need to UPGRADE yourself and it is possible.

I hope that I can be such a lesson so that other will not suffer things I suffered.

And actually,I did learn.

With love,

-Abigail Gee