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Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Antibiotics

Not all friendships are meant to be healthy.

Some of them are just plain bad; toxic. The person you find to be so comfortable with, slowly drowns you, bit by bit. This friend tells you all the sweet words after beating you so hard you cannot feel your limbs. This friend gives you water after feeding you with extremely hot dishes you cannot taste well any longer. This friend stays just to suck your life out of you.

But then there were moments when it was all just perfect; hours-long talks on the phone, deep, meaningful conversations, night drives that took your mind somewhere away. All the things you would want to be parts of your friendships. And all these started when this person literally saved your life without them knowing.

This person gave you hard slaps which turned out to be the only things you could digest well among all the supportive talks you had at that desperate moment; your darkest time in life. This particular friend made you, with your own bare hands, stop hurting yourself mentally and physically. This someone gave you hope that there were still people who truly cared for you. And of course you expected heated arguments. You expected both of you to be just human beings. You knew that there were never any smooth friendships, if they truly were at the first place.

You had it all in your friendship with this particular person. And little did you know, this person became your muse to all your songs, all your poems, your most significant influence to your art.

After a year separating ways with all the evil friends and your perfect friend, you met more people in life and started to figure out its meaning. You felt happier; your happiest state since a long, long time ago. You didn't talk much to each other, and your mind was busy doing all the things you were so passionate about. But then you knew that this person had a quite big part in your life, that without your friend, the puzzle would never ever be complete. So you still talked to this person once in a while, sharing random stories about what had happened in each other's life.

But then you still thought that you were missing something.

You found this person's message to be very offensive. Well, this friend is an ass, after all. You thought that it was okay since you were friends, but it seemed to cut you as deep as all those bullies had done long before. You noticed that your so-called friend barely treated you the way you saw your other friends did to each other. And you started scrolling up, and up, and up, reading all your virtual conversations, word by word. You tried to recall every single thing you both had said, trailing it down to the first time you begged for help. Yes, that afternoon when you suddenly had your typical anxiety, such panic attack that would not let you breathe. That sick thing you had had for so long, suffocating you.

It all seemed wrong. It all seemed too artificial. Had this person really done it all for you? Or you, as someone who is so expectant, had created these scenarios where he thought of you as a dear friend too rather than a patient needs to be taken care of?

Today, I came to a realization that no, it was not entirely artificial. Yes, I had so many expectations, and I had hoped that my friend could meet them. But no, I accepted this dear person for who they are, and I tried to be fluid; adaptive to this person's situations. This person did try to do the same. But in the end, we both failed to do it at all times. We were right for each other at one point, but contradicted at another.

I figured this whole friendship out. This friendship is very like antibiotics.

You see, antibiotics are kinds of medicine, designed for sickness. But you can't consume antibiotics on a daily basis. They are kinds of medicine you only take as the last resort. They are initially toxic to your body, as they are basically inhibited bacteria that causes the diseases you are currently having. The consumption of this particular drug is very strict, It has to be taken with discipline. You can't stop drinking it after the whole prescripted amount has been taken.

That is the perfect analogy for my friendship with this person. We are good for each other, to comfort each other when we are in pain. But we cannot share the same happiness. When we try to, we will end up ripping it apart, injecting it with such negative thoughts. We have made each other better over our tragedies, but we have also been toxic to each other frequently.

I realized that this is not exactly the friendship I had pictured to have, but it is not entirely bad. It is okay, to have such friends. But I don't think that it is meant to be a kind of friendship where you talk to each other everyday, share all your random thoughts, or send gifts to each other. It is a friendship where you came to talk, and to cry, and to mend all the pains together.

My friends told me to step away; to give up. I had been intoxicated with the thought that this person was my hero, they said. But that was actually true. This person did save me, in his own ways. I do need, at certain times, his different perspectives to truly value something. We both uphold a role as antibiotics to each other; only needed when you had no where else to go.

I just learned that I have to let go of this friend's hand, touching it only for just a high-five in certain occasions. I have to learn not to hug so tight, exchanging the hugs with some pats on the back. I have to quickly realize that maybe, this person will not be there for wishing me on all my birthdays, but this person will surely wish me all the best at my wedding.

Basically, I wrote this to tell you not to ditch a sinking ship just like that. You would have to see the surface, how big the hole is, to finally decide what's best to be done. Think about all the good things you have done with your particular friend, before making a choice you truly deserve. Not all bad people are not worth of being friends with, nor all people can meet your hopes and expectations. And by this, I would have to suggest you not to expect from people so much, or you will end up getting hurt even more.

So my friend, if you're ever reading this, I would have to say that I still value this friendship. I care for you more than you know, yet I really don't know what you expect of me. But do know, that there should be love and respect as well in a friendship, despite all the nasty jokes we shall share. I still am looking forward for more meetings over Starbucks whenever you're home in the coming future, and I hope you are too.

Love,

-Abigail Gee