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Monday, April 2, 2018

Being Let Down

All that is left is just sorrow and pain, a never-ending hollow that's insane.

It seems like my soul will never be familiar to the stinging pain of disappointment. I guess I have written so many stories and posts about how I was let down by the people I love(d) the most and I guess it will take many more to come to finally not give a damn about people and not to have expectations.

What kills me all the time is that all these series of being let down were done by people closest to you--or at least people who you thought to be close to you. And if it happens. you are not entitled to be sad about it; you had been warned about the consequences since a long time ago that it would hurt more if your particular beloved hurt you than your enemies did you, yet you agreed to all terms and conditions.

I wish I knew better. I have always kept cursing myself for being so stupid and dumb not to predict these kinds of outcome from certain people, or at least to be stronger than I truly was when facing them. I wish I was given strength to keep my head held high, walk proudly away from the misery, and just laugh it off. But I could never do that. I have always been so aware of people's feelings. Ironically, I have also been wondering if they are also aware of my feelings too.

After all the episodes of crying and regretting things, I would just repeat the whole thing; all over again! That is how foolish I can be; I have always been so hopeful and optimistic towards human beings. I do understand that I have been expressing all my rants and negativity on this page, but if you also notice, I would always give myself a little bit reassurance that there will always be silver linings in all the sadness coming my way. They did make me feel better afterwards, but what I hate about them is that they would not make me learn!

I just realized that my mind and heart had made such a mechanism where I could detect whether I could trust and rely on certain people and they also would give me a hunch if someone would not suit me. But I tended to see the good inside everyone. But then, turned out, it took more than just goodness to be someone's friend. To be friends with anyone; to know if you could trust them, also took measurement whether or not you could tolerate one's principles. People with different principles would lead to toxic relationships, where both parties constrained themselves with constant battle; of their liking towards the other against each other's values. But that does not necessarily make either of them or both of them evil. They are good; but not good for each other.

Or simply, maybe there is something wrong with me. But I wish it was not the case.

Perhaps I should trust my feelings more. Just to be cautious of what lies ahead. Perhaps I should be braver to put more distance. Just to make sure I won't jump to conclusions.

Or perhaps I should taste the bitterness of the experience, so I could be a lot stronger and slowly becoming numb.

-Abigail Gee