It is probable that no one will read this, but this is the only way to let someone know that I am in pain. I have humiliated myself by telling this to people, only to regret it.
I am aware that what I am about to say is very self-centered. You can even read how many Is that I have written so far. But I can't lie, really. I am selfish and I want to be loved and needed.
With all the adversity and change of plans this year, it was hard to really find my place in life. Knowing that I graduated not having a job, staying as a burden to my parents was the worst I could think of. I was showered with questions "Where do you work now?" "Do you have any career plans?" as if they had expected me to excel. I had too, actually--believing that I could make lemonade with any lemons life threw at me.
But I failed selections, I haven't heard anything from companies and firms I applied to. I truly had no idea how to survive in this environment. Guess this is the consequence of not being a planner, only sticking to one thing in mind.
I was confused and devastated. Still am. I tried to reassure myself that I deserve the break, I could let myself breathe for a while. That many faced similar things in this pandemic. That I might stand a chance. I took up courses and spent my time doing house chores. I got to pray more diligently as well.
But of course, I felt very much defeated. I realized how poor my skillsets were, that they were not selling enough. That I was not enough. No one really needed me as a person. No one found me useful.
I tried really, to redirect my energy and love to people I want to shower them with. This is something I am very good at; caring about other people. I asked them how they were, I spared my time whenever they needed me. It was sincere, really, because in this trying time, staying in touch is my best effort. Whenever they needed my help and I felt I could lend a hand, I would do that. I initiated to do it oftentimes because I knew how busy and overwhelmed they could be. I reassured myself that I still could do something.
In return, I didn't ask for much. I just thought that it would be nice to be appreciated. It would be nice if someone could at least ask how I was. No one has to be there for me all the time, no one has to thank me. Just remind me that I meant something.
Nevertheless, I am trying. I am trying to be alive each day, to stay functional, to stay useful. I promise you I will not stop trying. I might cry myself to sleep, or find it difficult to breathe. But I'll stick around.
I'll try to write something nice later. Perhaps a poem or prose.
Until then.
-A.G.
*perhaps a cry for help.
