It was not cowardice that stopped me from conveying things I wanted to say. It was most definitely not pity nor wishful thinking that the person might come back. I am glad that 'it' is gone from my life; would not do anything otherwise.
The sort of thing that kept me stuck was regret. It was a regret that I had not saved myself quicker before the ship sank to the bottom of the ocean. It was a regret that I had let myself suffer from the cold waves of embarrassment.
We were two ambitious people playing a stupid game for a stupid prize; in the end, it was the matter of who was dumber. I am thankful enough that I saw the signs early enough to win, but 'it' scored. A few solid points.
The past weeks, I had been angry. Enraged. My emotions were big enough to kill a person--at least in my mind.
But there I found strength. Pride, that I took the high road. I apologized for my shit instead of lying and covering up the way the other person did. I admit I hurt someone. I forgave, even when the person in question truly did not deserve it.
After a long time pondering and getting the closure I needed, I concluded that I do not care.
But a phone call from this creature, claiming the victory I fucking earned, reawakened hatred and memories of how 'it' had wronged me. Tonight, I decided that this person's existence will be reduced to a single unimportant being, an 'it'.
They said it was not worth trying to win against a pigeon at a chess game. I would let 'it' believe that 'it' won. But then again, 'it' will find a way to read this, so hear me out.
Being the bigger person sucks. It does not reward you anything but content and peace. It was hard, but I refrained from hurting anyone. Yet apparently, there will always be someone that uses your silence to their advantage, plastering up their skeletons in the walls of their straight-up lies.
'It' tells me to forget what is in the past, when 'it' is the one so badly clings onto it. What a joke.
It was not a he said she said kind of thing. It was the truth. There was no point in contesting truth--nor clarifying one. Yet apparently, there will always be someone that attempts to dictate you into seconding their narratives.
'It' said it itself. Truth is truth. I just chose to be quiet. I did not blame its bloodied hands for stabbing me in the back. I simply rose from the dead and walked away. But 'it' repaid me by making me feel like a stupid loser, when in fact 'it' gets the bigger L.
As conflicted and shitty as I am feeling right now, I am comforted by the fact that 'it' will not have it easy. 'It' gave me a torch enough to set up his world on blazing fire. Heck, 'it' itself is easily flammable--a walking problem.
Another fun part is, I do not even need to try and see how 'its' shit all ends. I know how it will go; messy, dark, and plain stupid. Just like how 'it' is.
'It' has made such a great hell for itself and I will laugh watching them all crumble into dust.
A.G.
