I often ridicule Korean dramas that depict a couple still being in love despite being separated for years. Who the hell is still in love with a particular person from the past when they are already married to their respective partners?
Guess it is a shame to admit that now I know how that feels. That many times, feelings do not just disappear. They come and go, yes. But will you be able to love someone even when fate makes fun of you by drifting both of you apart? Apparently, you will.
It would be a great thing to rediscover love, really, if it was reciprocal. However, there was another possibility. Loving someone who does not deserve it--the most ironic love there is.
When you are in such a situation, you often forget that you deserve to be loved as well; or at least your feelings should be appreciated. One can be trapped in a situation for years where they let themselves think that it was just the way. Many could not translate love properly, but they actually cared, right? And everything just snowballed into a huge pile of questions. Many would never really confront the other. We wanted to keep the other close, no matter the circumstances. Funny enough, these people end up suppressing their own feelings.
After all the years, many of us who suffered from a chronic unrequited love would think that we could truly let go one day. We bid our farewell many times and never really wanted to look back after crying for a few days to the point our eyes swelled. But when that particular person came to bid their own one night, asking why we disappeared, we would just let our guards down. Many of us would just pour all of our feelings out, only to receive some simple explanations.
I did not notice at that time, a very important remark from him. A remark that explained it all.
When I asked him for time to process things, he deliberately asked,
"Oh, so now you're going to treat me the way I have treated you, huh? Being cold and distant?"
The foolish me quickly clarified and apologized. We talked for four hours that night, yet we never really found any resolution. It was another sweeping the dust under the rug. But now that I think of it turned out he was aware of things. He was aware that he was cold. He deliberately did that.
The moment I realized this, I finally was that our conversations were never conversations. They were merely interviews. A one-way update. Me asking, and him answering, mostly at times when I needed someone to talk to. I asked other friends about what they would do if a friend reached out. All of them said that they would at least ask back how the friend was. So it was not me being expectant, after all. It is common sense for friends to put in the effort.
If one could never return our feelings after all these years, yet they stayed, the last thing they could do was to be a good and caring friend. But if they failed to do even that last bit, perhaps it is time for us to ponder and reflect. Are we merely trophies?
I finally let go. I released myself from the leash that has kept me stay still all these years. I yearned for so much affectionate feedback I would never receive from him as he dwelled on his own misfortunes. And receive it I shall. The piled-up disappointment almost turned into resentment. Sadly, that moment never came. As quickly as I had fallen in love, I forgave.
That, apparently, became my greatest power.
Now my Korean drama list never looks better.
