I stand there with eyes folded to the back of their cases.
I was shadowed by the anxiety flowing in my veins.
All the thoughts along with my brain will soon explode.
I am worried, worried, worried.
The worry of a child breaking his Mom's lucky vase;
the worry of a father watching his daughter's wedding.
I have no, no idea.
Would I dare to scream?
Painful, so painful it is.
The heart wants what it wants, but I have nothing to offer.
Relieving enough you are to finish what you started.
Cold wind sneaks into your lungs and brain;
freezing ain't it?
But you heart is colder very much.
As if it is never there;never exists.
Now you know not.
What you want to do.
Thoughts run away through the air you exhale.
You are blank once again.
With no eyes. With eyebags folding your body neatly.
With worries.
---
[written in the middle of writing speech texts;blank]
-Abigail Gee
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Self- Reflection
Recently I've been thinking of lots of things. From my future education, my family, and relationships I have with people around me.
I've been facing problems which I feel like they will never end. At least soon. But then I kept thinking. Am I the one doing the wrongs that people tend to hate?
I've been doing things which disappoint people and I don't know how I can fix them all.
I got into a very deep breaking down, repeating my old life in junior high.
There's something that I should tell you guys. I've been trying to write you guys motivational words, quotes, and encouragements, but just like what most of the people say; 'you can solve other's problems while it's hard to solve yours.'
That's me.
I was bullied back in my younger years and I got ito a very depressing situation where I could barely hold things by myself. I barely had friends and people were such hypocrites. I called in sick for a few times in junior high and I did stupid thngs in the house. My health went decreasing and I became a very paranoid person. I then developed a feeling where I couldn't stand being hated and having enemies. I even started talking to myself, thinking about chances where people might hate me. I became a very silent person in school and I did things by myself.
It was a few horrible years, then I moved to Balikpapan when I was a 9 grader. No, my friends in Bali weren't that bad, they were just acting like grown ups, just like what most of us did. It was normal, yet it was a bit horrible for me. Although it was hard for me to take in, lately I understood it all; we all would eventually grow up and be mature, but each of us have a different way to reach it.
Then it took me the whole year to recover from the pain that I had felt for the whole two years. I slowly made friends and I hung out very often with my friends. I felt accepted for who I was and I felt a bit more confident in socializing.
Then I attended TN. I ws so happy and I felt confident that it would turn to be a great year. And it was, althought some things came up but I managed to get through it.
But, as what we call ups and downs in life, I finally had my second down.
I needed to get through a quite long time of breakdown this 2015. It happened for a whole month and I was so messed up because of that. I felt hated, I felt intervened, I felt like everyone couldnt understand me. And the first snap happened.
One night I felt so stressed and I couldn't breathe. The whole dorm went panic, I was too. It had been years since the last time I got the snap, because the last time I had one was when I was bullied in junior high school. I was taken to the medical unit in the campus and I didn't attend my classes the next day.
I was so surprised to see myself this down again. The doctor told me I shouldn't keep things for myself and so I would not get hysterical anymore; which was the reason why I couldn't breathe, I also shouldn't overthink. And I thought that the whole panic was over.
I thought.
It turned out that the rest of the month became as stressful as that day. I started to harm myself again, I couldn't breathe for two more times. I told my friends weird things, I got panic and I was very scared to go to school. I cried over little things, I kept apologizing over simple problems and I daydreamed all the time. I tried to tell my friends that I trusted about this very often, but then slowly I felt like I had given them such annoyance and they were a bit uncomfortable by it. Especially when it came to a boy friend of mine. People thought that I liked him, but actually I didn't. I believed in his opinion and thoughts but the others thought that I was trying to hit on him. Then because of the awkwardness, I barely talked to him anymore and I started to feel as if no one would be by my side. Then my girl friends made me realized that I still had some more people to hold on to and they would be there fr me when they were needed.
I was so happy and really happy. I tried to face my problems. I started praying more often, reading my Koran (Al-Qur'an). Then I got recovered; way more quickly than the first one. I slowly learned things because of this terrifying month. And I feel a lot wiser and relieved now.
Dear beauty, I know that sometimes life gives you things that's hard for you to take in, but God will never give you lessons you're not capable in getting through. It takes time to digest things, but you'll eventually figure things out on your own.
Just don't forget about what you believe in, and that even when it seems like everyone turns your back on you, there are still a lot of people who care about you. They exist but you're just too scared to look. And I also learn that some problems are not meant to be solved; you just need to get through them and leave them behind. You shouldn't be worried about what future might offer you, you just need to embrace it with smile and gratefulness. Be happy. I know that my words sound cliche but I mean it and they really work. Try to take the positive side out everytime you face things that you don't desire.
And try to evaluate yourself instead of overrate it. Being better is different than being new you. You shoudln't become a NEW you. You just need to UPGRADE yourself and it is possible.
I hope that I can be such a lesson so that other will not suffer things I suffered.
And actually,I did learn.
With love,
-Abigail Gee
I've been facing problems which I feel like they will never end. At least soon. But then I kept thinking. Am I the one doing the wrongs that people tend to hate?
I've been doing things which disappoint people and I don't know how I can fix them all.
I got into a very deep breaking down, repeating my old life in junior high.
There's something that I should tell you guys. I've been trying to write you guys motivational words, quotes, and encouragements, but just like what most of the people say; 'you can solve other's problems while it's hard to solve yours.'
That's me.
I was bullied back in my younger years and I got ito a very depressing situation where I could barely hold things by myself. I barely had friends and people were such hypocrites. I called in sick for a few times in junior high and I did stupid thngs in the house. My health went decreasing and I became a very paranoid person. I then developed a feeling where I couldn't stand being hated and having enemies. I even started talking to myself, thinking about chances where people might hate me. I became a very silent person in school and I did things by myself.
It was a few horrible years, then I moved to Balikpapan when I was a 9 grader. No, my friends in Bali weren't that bad, they were just acting like grown ups, just like what most of us did. It was normal, yet it was a bit horrible for me. Although it was hard for me to take in, lately I understood it all; we all would eventually grow up and be mature, but each of us have a different way to reach it.
Then it took me the whole year to recover from the pain that I had felt for the whole two years. I slowly made friends and I hung out very often with my friends. I felt accepted for who I was and I felt a bit more confident in socializing.
Then I attended TN. I ws so happy and I felt confident that it would turn to be a great year. And it was, althought some things came up but I managed to get through it.
But, as what we call ups and downs in life, I finally had my second down.
I needed to get through a quite long time of breakdown this 2015. It happened for a whole month and I was so messed up because of that. I felt hated, I felt intervened, I felt like everyone couldnt understand me. And the first snap happened.
One night I felt so stressed and I couldn't breathe. The whole dorm went panic, I was too. It had been years since the last time I got the snap, because the last time I had one was when I was bullied in junior high school. I was taken to the medical unit in the campus and I didn't attend my classes the next day.
I was so surprised to see myself this down again. The doctor told me I shouldn't keep things for myself and so I would not get hysterical anymore; which was the reason why I couldn't breathe, I also shouldn't overthink. And I thought that the whole panic was over.
I thought.
It turned out that the rest of the month became as stressful as that day. I started to harm myself again, I couldn't breathe for two more times. I told my friends weird things, I got panic and I was very scared to go to school. I cried over little things, I kept apologizing over simple problems and I daydreamed all the time. I tried to tell my friends that I trusted about this very often, but then slowly I felt like I had given them such annoyance and they were a bit uncomfortable by it. Especially when it came to a boy friend of mine. People thought that I liked him, but actually I didn't. I believed in his opinion and thoughts but the others thought that I was trying to hit on him. Then because of the awkwardness, I barely talked to him anymore and I started to feel as if no one would be by my side. Then my girl friends made me realized that I still had some more people to hold on to and they would be there fr me when they were needed.
I was so happy and really happy. I tried to face my problems. I started praying more often, reading my Koran (Al-Qur'an). Then I got recovered; way more quickly than the first one. I slowly learned things because of this terrifying month. And I feel a lot wiser and relieved now.
Dear beauty, I know that sometimes life gives you things that's hard for you to take in, but God will never give you lessons you're not capable in getting through. It takes time to digest things, but you'll eventually figure things out on your own.
Just don't forget about what you believe in, and that even when it seems like everyone turns your back on you, there are still a lot of people who care about you. They exist but you're just too scared to look. And I also learn that some problems are not meant to be solved; you just need to get through them and leave them behind. You shouldn't be worried about what future might offer you, you just need to embrace it with smile and gratefulness. Be happy. I know that my words sound cliche but I mean it and they really work. Try to take the positive side out everytime you face things that you don't desire.
And try to evaluate yourself instead of overrate it. Being better is different than being new you. You shoudln't become a NEW you. You just need to UPGRADE yourself and it is possible.
I hope that I can be such a lesson so that other will not suffer things I suffered.
And actually,I did learn.
With love,
-Abigail Gee
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Beyond Plans and Expectations
Just like the title above, you'll sure know what I'm going to say.
So have you ever been in the situation where you think that someone is the one you've been looking for and it's just a matter of time to make it official and tie yourselves with some commitment and anything.
Or so you thought.
Maybe it wasn't him all along but you just didn't notice. Or you were just so blinded about it because of the storyline you expected to happen.
Maintaining the relationship between me and him, I've tried so many things; how I pleased his ego by giving him compliments, sweet words, and notes and all but they still led us to a conclusion that he was getting bored of me.
Seriously, getting bored of someone you love?
Ah, maybe he didn't even love me from the start. Maybe we concluded it too early. Maybe there had never been any love between us.
I was in pain; tortured by his words which really were hurtful enough to make me wonder 'maybe I am such a trouble'. How he blamed everything to me and avoid me just like how strangers do. Boy, if you want to be my boyfriend then act like one.
He could always tell me with kind words and all. When people dislike me, he could stand up for me and defend me but when there are only two of us he tells me to change the way I behave; not avoiding me just like how others do to each other. Others who don't love each other.
But although I felt very insulted and disrespected, I still miss and slightly regret of my decision. Although he sometimes made me cry, there were also a lot of times when he lightened me up with smiles and laughters. Although people think about him as a creepy person, there are times when he can be the handsomest thing on Earth.
There are a lot of moment getting through together. The moment when we met each other, knew each other, liked each other, and planned things each other. But sadly I guess the possibility of it has now decreased.
Why?
Why are you doing such mean things? How you really don't care about my feelings and all really hurts me.
But to be honest, I still like him. So much. I can't make the trace of him out of both my heart and mind and I just can't stop thinking of the imagination of us being together for a couple of years knowing each other's family and all.
Then suddenly he just smiled as if nothing ever happened and once again gave me the smile he used to throw at me and I felt secured again.
Maybe, just maybe, we concluded things too early again. Maybe it wasn't supposed to be over;just yet. Maybe we were meant to be. Maybe everything is just a little rock blocking the path and maybe we could be like we used to be. Maybe we can develop. Maybe we love each other.
But slowly and slowly, I finally learned something.
Being in a relationship isn't about planning about the future. It's not about designing it. It's about to enjoy the process and love the present. Because what matters the most is not whether you'll end up being together or not, but whether or not you love being with him right now.
Just like one of my favorite song from Tangga which I haven't figured out what the title is (damn), it's about how we shouldn't care or bother that much about the future of being together, but your present togetherness.
And from enjoying and really living the relationship now to the max, you'll learn how to understand each other and how we should accept each other without taking this relationship for granted.
So, have you learned your lessons yet?
-Abigail Gee
So have you ever been in the situation where you think that someone is the one you've been looking for and it's just a matter of time to make it official and tie yourselves with some commitment and anything.
Or so you thought.
Maybe it wasn't him all along but you just didn't notice. Or you were just so blinded about it because of the storyline you expected to happen.
Maintaining the relationship between me and him, I've tried so many things; how I pleased his ego by giving him compliments, sweet words, and notes and all but they still led us to a conclusion that he was getting bored of me.
Seriously, getting bored of someone you love?
Ah, maybe he didn't even love me from the start. Maybe we concluded it too early. Maybe there had never been any love between us.
I was in pain; tortured by his words which really were hurtful enough to make me wonder 'maybe I am such a trouble'. How he blamed everything to me and avoid me just like how strangers do. Boy, if you want to be my boyfriend then act like one.
He could always tell me with kind words and all. When people dislike me, he could stand up for me and defend me but when there are only two of us he tells me to change the way I behave; not avoiding me just like how others do to each other. Others who don't love each other.
But although I felt very insulted and disrespected, I still miss and slightly regret of my decision. Although he sometimes made me cry, there were also a lot of times when he lightened me up with smiles and laughters. Although people think about him as a creepy person, there are times when he can be the handsomest thing on Earth.
There are a lot of moment getting through together. The moment when we met each other, knew each other, liked each other, and planned things each other. But sadly I guess the possibility of it has now decreased.
Why?
Why are you doing such mean things? How you really don't care about my feelings and all really hurts me.
But to be honest, I still like him. So much. I can't make the trace of him out of both my heart and mind and I just can't stop thinking of the imagination of us being together for a couple of years knowing each other's family and all.
Then suddenly he just smiled as if nothing ever happened and once again gave me the smile he used to throw at me and I felt secured again.
Maybe, just maybe, we concluded things too early again. Maybe it wasn't supposed to be over;just yet. Maybe we were meant to be. Maybe everything is just a little rock blocking the path and maybe we could be like we used to be. Maybe we can develop. Maybe we love each other.
But slowly and slowly, I finally learned something.
Being in a relationship isn't about planning about the future. It's not about designing it. It's about to enjoy the process and love the present. Because what matters the most is not whether you'll end up being together or not, but whether or not you love being with him right now.
Just like one of my favorite song from Tangga which I haven't figured out what the title is (damn), it's about how we shouldn't care or bother that much about the future of being together, but your present togetherness.
And from enjoying and really living the relationship now to the max, you'll learn how to understand each other and how we should accept each other without taking this relationship for granted.
So, have you learned your lessons yet?
-Abigail Gee
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Losing A Friend
Hi!
I haven't written you guys any post that I had promised you earlier so yeah I'm going to write one now.
Lately I've been feeling sad because I lost two friends. One is up to heaven, one has just simply changed.
And do you know who that was? Adi.
Adi--or Aditya Putera Tejalengkara--was my friend back in the junior high school. People kept teasing me for liking him--although yes, I did have a crush on him once--and that made us apart. The fact is, we used to be good friends back in the early 7th grade but after being teased we pulled ourselves away.
He was one awesome friend. He rarely seemed sad--never, I guess--and he was one cheerful young man. He was so tall, he had an athletic torso and he was very handsome. He was Hindu-Buddhist. His mom is a Buddhist and his dad is a Hindu. This made him went to both religion's services.
I still remember how I used to throw my shoes at him because he could be so annoying sometimes and the shoes never hit him even once. And after the throwing part he just laughed and teased me all the way. He was very nice to others that made him had a lot of friends.
He was smart as well. He always broke through the top 5 of his class. So you could actually count him perfect; smart, natural athletic, good at sports, friendly, and he also joined Paskibra.
I went to Balikpapan in my senior year but I still texted him sometimes. There was this time when I texted him about what school he wanted to attend. He told me that he either would go to Surabaya or SMAN 4 Denpasar. I told him about Taruna Nusantara but he wasn't interested. And what surprised me was when it came to the announcement I asked him, 'So what school are you attending?' he answered, 'SMAN 1 Denpasar.' and then it popped questions on my mind why he changed his whole plan.
Then I knew it. His crush for over 9 years would attend the same school.
And I felt so happy for him to get the chance of getting back to her at the same time. His happiness over mine right? Then we never made any contact except when I went to Bali in the early time of 10th grade.
This holiday, I was checking out my twitter and its timeline. There were too many random tweets that can be counted as crap but then I noticed two or three tweets that said 'Rest in Peace, Aditya Putera Tejalengkara'. At first, I thought it was just some kind of joke but after asking some friends it turned out to be true. He now left all of us, his friends, with deep cuts in heart seeing him left as he hung his hopes and dreams along with his torso.
Well, all I can only say is a good bye.
Adi, wherever you are right now, I hope you're in a happy place with a smile all over your face. And I'm sorry for everything that I had ever done to you. I hope you left with still thinking of me as your friend. Thank you for filling some of my days and heart for a not-short time.
I hope you're ok.
I love you. We love you. Always.
-Abigail Gee.
Well, all I can only say is a good bye.
Adi, wherever you are right now, I hope you're in a happy place with a smile all over your face. And I'm sorry for everything that I had ever done to you. I hope you left with still thinking of me as your friend. Thank you for filling some of my days and heart for a not-short time.
I hope you're ok.
I love you. We love you. Always.
-Abigail Gee.
Monday, June 30, 2014
The Moment of Reunion
Oh My God.
I'm so so so sorry. I feel so sinful for leaving you guys for MONTHS and this is highly unacceptable.
So this post is about hello and a few goodbyes. But why the title's reunion? Because this is the post that reunites me and you lovely readers!
So basically my life is pretty good [not that you guys bother asking but whatever] and I've been so busy these two months; you know, preparing for final exams which will determine whether I proceed to eleventh grade or not and also for the graduation ceremony of the seniors (22nd batch).
Since I join the platoon PATAKA I'm going to wear this suit called 'PDU' or 'Pakaian Dinas Upacara' which can only be worn for certain occasions by certain people, which made me felt kinda special.
I've been trying to lose weights and I know it's very shameful to tell you this but I guess I need to tell you guys about my life in TN.
Psst; gonna post the pictures in my next post!
And the final exams were pretty fine. There weren't so many remedial I needed to take and we were so busy finding gifts and souvenirs for our beloved sisters and brothers who were about to end their educational story in TN soon. I was so panicked that I needed to ask my mom for some help by sending me stuff from Jakarta. I'm such an ungrateful daughter. Pardon me, Mom, I still love you hehe.
And guess what? I just had my sweet 16th! Yay! *rolling on the floor*
I'm so grateful for everything and everyone that I have around me. I'm so thankful for my supportive family who has been here all along, the existence of my best friends that strengthen my will to stay in the campus and eventually survive haha, and for someone who's been around for a while *cough*
The story is pretty funny and sweet. How we're so old-fashioned by sending each other letters and all and everyone who knows this always asks me, "What year do you live in? The 70s? You still send letters and notes? Funny." And all I can do is laugh. They don't know how worthy all those moments in writing and receiving the letters.
Guess that's what makes us special?
How we're so different in backgrounds and personalities but share common interests and how I feel like this person completes me; I enjoy every single difference and similarity.
I don't want to conclude everything real fast, I can't figure whether we'll still be together or it will be over before it even starts. But at least for now, I love having him around, although it means not to talk to each other or make contacts at all. As long as those eyes still stare at me the way they always do, I know I still keep him in this *pointing at my chest* but no I didn't mean the chest, but what's inside [read: heart] haha.
Okay, enough about this person.
I still have more stories to share about in TN. So we've been preparing, right, and I finally get my badge for my platoon! Yay! And I also took pictures with my beloved seniors. It felt so so so so sad to see them leave, especially when my beloved brother couldn't make it.
So guess I haven't told you guys about my senior. He was the same absent as I am when he was a 10th grader; X-7/28. His name is Rafi Fauzan Santoso. I call him Bang Rafi. He couldn't be in the ceremony because he was having tests to become a cadet. Knowing that he couldn't make it, although I had been told about it, I cried like a lot and everyone was staring at me strangely seeing me crying like a big baby. He's been so special for me because he supported me all along, he cheered me up, he listened to my random stories about my life and my crush, and he cared for me like his own sister.
In May, he gave me a piece of cake and he also gave me a post-it which said 'I'm sorry I couldn't make it to the ceremony because of the tests and I really do hope that you'll succeed in your final exams. And I'm sorry I can't be here for your birthday. So, happy birthday!' after receiving it I cried in my room and my friends had to cheer me up all night. And I tried to understand his circumstance and wished him the very best of luck. I miss you, Bang Rafi!
I also want to tell you guys about my post sister, Kak Masya Afira Siregar. She was so emotional when she was about to leave TN. She took a lot of pictures with me and I know that she'd miss me as much as I'd miss her. We laughed and shared stories till it was time for her to leave the campus. We hugged each other and she gave me a cute 'Lil Sis' keychain which came up with a match of 'Big Sis' which she had with her. She also gave me an Universitas Indonesia pencil case. A month before, she gave me her bag and she told me how memorable the bag was and she wanted me to keep it on her behalf. I was so honored that she'd let me use her bag. And I told myself to handle it with care.
I also saw my bed sister for the last time, Kak Ulfa Hasna Azizah. She was in a hurry that I could only talk to her for a few minutes. We hugged each other and cried. I really missed her since I hadn't seen her since March and seeing her left the campus just like that hurt a lot. I really loved her since she's been a real sister for me that she supported me since PDK. I gave her the ordinary present that I had prepared a few days earlier and she smiled at me and thanked me for everything. My 23rd batch bed sister, Kak Faradita Maudy Sari, cried heavily seeing Kak Ulfa left. They hugged for a moment then we took some pictures and then there she left for her future.. I'm gonna miss you so much, Kak Ulfa!
And the last one was Kak Vania. She's my jacket sister of PATAKA. My very first impression of her was she looked like a mean senior with a pretty face and so unfriendly. But she turned out to be a very awesome sister. It felt really good to tell her stories--especially when it came to boys--and she also treated her juniors nicely. She hugged me and told me how she loved my gift for her and she would miss me very much. She listened to my stories and I enjoyed listening to hers. I also gave her a key chain just like mine and Kak Rahajeng's, my 23rd batch jacket sister. We then took a lot of pictures in many people's cameras and phones since hers was in the classroom and I didn't bring mine. We laughed and she told me to be strong and if there anything happens to me in the future I should tell her right away. Miss you already, Kak Van!
And I know that in every meeting, there's a goodbye. And I should remember that there's a 'good' in 'goodbyes' and I just need to swallow the temporary pain and let go. I'm gonna miss everyone leaving for their future.
Old friends are like golds,
New friends are like silvers,
Cherish your new friends,
But never forget the old ones.
Good luck, Bang, Kak!
I love you!
-Abigail Gee
I'm so so so sorry. I feel so sinful for leaving you guys for MONTHS and this is highly unacceptable.
So this post is about hello and a few goodbyes. But why the title's reunion? Because this is the post that reunites me and you lovely readers!
So basically my life is pretty good [not that you guys bother asking but whatever] and I've been so busy these two months; you know, preparing for final exams which will determine whether I proceed to eleventh grade or not and also for the graduation ceremony of the seniors (22nd batch).
Since I join the platoon PATAKA I'm going to wear this suit called 'PDU' or 'Pakaian Dinas Upacara' which can only be worn for certain occasions by certain people, which made me felt kinda special.
I've been trying to lose weights and I know it's very shameful to tell you this but I guess I need to tell you guys about my life in TN.
Psst; gonna post the pictures in my next post!
And the final exams were pretty fine. There weren't so many remedial I needed to take and we were so busy finding gifts and souvenirs for our beloved sisters and brothers who were about to end their educational story in TN soon. I was so panicked that I needed to ask my mom for some help by sending me stuff from Jakarta. I'm such an ungrateful daughter. Pardon me, Mom, I still love you hehe.
And guess what? I just had my sweet 16th! Yay! *rolling on the floor*
I'm so grateful for everything and everyone that I have around me. I'm so thankful for my supportive family who has been here all along, the existence of my best friends that strengthen my will to stay in the campus and eventually survive haha, and for someone who's been around for a while *cough*
The story is pretty funny and sweet. How we're so old-fashioned by sending each other letters and all and everyone who knows this always asks me, "What year do you live in? The 70s? You still send letters and notes? Funny." And all I can do is laugh. They don't know how worthy all those moments in writing and receiving the letters.
Guess that's what makes us special?
How we're so different in backgrounds and personalities but share common interests and how I feel like this person completes me; I enjoy every single difference and similarity.
I don't want to conclude everything real fast, I can't figure whether we'll still be together or it will be over before it even starts. But at least for now, I love having him around, although it means not to talk to each other or make contacts at all. As long as those eyes still stare at me the way they always do, I know I still keep him in this *pointing at my chest* but no I didn't mean the chest, but what's inside [read: heart] haha.
Okay, enough about this person.
I still have more stories to share about in TN. So we've been preparing, right, and I finally get my badge for my platoon! Yay! And I also took pictures with my beloved seniors. It felt so so so so sad to see them leave, especially when my beloved brother couldn't make it.
So guess I haven't told you guys about my senior. He was the same absent as I am when he was a 10th grader; X-7/28. His name is Rafi Fauzan Santoso. I call him Bang Rafi. He couldn't be in the ceremony because he was having tests to become a cadet. Knowing that he couldn't make it, although I had been told about it, I cried like a lot and everyone was staring at me strangely seeing me crying like a big baby. He's been so special for me because he supported me all along, he cheered me up, he listened to my random stories about my life and my crush, and he cared for me like his own sister.
In May, he gave me a piece of cake and he also gave me a post-it which said 'I'm sorry I couldn't make it to the ceremony because of the tests and I really do hope that you'll succeed in your final exams. And I'm sorry I can't be here for your birthday. So, happy birthday!' after receiving it I cried in my room and my friends had to cheer me up all night. And I tried to understand his circumstance and wished him the very best of luck. I miss you, Bang Rafi!
I also want to tell you guys about my post sister, Kak Masya Afira Siregar. She was so emotional when she was about to leave TN. She took a lot of pictures with me and I know that she'd miss me as much as I'd miss her. We laughed and shared stories till it was time for her to leave the campus. We hugged each other and she gave me a cute 'Lil Sis' keychain which came up with a match of 'Big Sis' which she had with her. She also gave me an Universitas Indonesia pencil case. A month before, she gave me her bag and she told me how memorable the bag was and she wanted me to keep it on her behalf. I was so honored that she'd let me use her bag. And I told myself to handle it with care.
I also saw my bed sister for the last time, Kak Ulfa Hasna Azizah. She was in a hurry that I could only talk to her for a few minutes. We hugged each other and cried. I really missed her since I hadn't seen her since March and seeing her left the campus just like that hurt a lot. I really loved her since she's been a real sister for me that she supported me since PDK. I gave her the ordinary present that I had prepared a few days earlier and she smiled at me and thanked me for everything. My 23rd batch bed sister, Kak Faradita Maudy Sari, cried heavily seeing Kak Ulfa left. They hugged for a moment then we took some pictures and then there she left for her future.. I'm gonna miss you so much, Kak Ulfa!
And the last one was Kak Vania. She's my jacket sister of PATAKA. My very first impression of her was she looked like a mean senior with a pretty face and so unfriendly. But she turned out to be a very awesome sister. It felt really good to tell her stories--especially when it came to boys--and she also treated her juniors nicely. She hugged me and told me how she loved my gift for her and she would miss me very much. She listened to my stories and I enjoyed listening to hers. I also gave her a key chain just like mine and Kak Rahajeng's, my 23rd batch jacket sister. We then took a lot of pictures in many people's cameras and phones since hers was in the classroom and I didn't bring mine. We laughed and she told me to be strong and if there anything happens to me in the future I should tell her right away. Miss you already, Kak Van!
And I know that in every meeting, there's a goodbye. And I should remember that there's a 'good' in 'goodbyes' and I just need to swallow the temporary pain and let go. I'm gonna miss everyone leaving for their future.
Old friends are like golds,
New friends are like silvers,
Cherish your new friends,
But never forget the old ones.
Good luck, Bang, Kak!
I love you!
-Abigail Gee
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