TN!

Hi everybody,

This was supposed to be posted two years ago by the younger version of Abigail Gee.

But as a little girl pursuing a lot of stars, though in the end she couldn't reach them all, she tended to forget things. She neglected things she shouldn't have and she was always this careless girl, although she knew she had a lot to say to someone and she didn't have the courage to and she should've written things here--which was the very first purpose of why she made this blog.

It wasn't meant to be read by people; it was meant to be read by herself, the older version.

So here it is.

The note from a 15-year-old Abigail Gee.

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Dear Beautifuls,

I've been attending a boarding school for 6 months--which is the reason why I haven't been writing or posting something. My new school is located in Magelang, Central Java, Indonesia.

This school is a semi-military school, so they apply military rules and lifestyles which are still suitable for teenagers like us.

This school is claimed to be the best school in Indonesia. Not to brag, but I really am proud of being a student of my campus.

I met a lot of awesome people from all over Indonesia, who have also been through a lot of tests just to be a student there. They are so friendly and unique and asdfghjkl I can't describe them all because I'm just so excited about it!

I was put in the room with eight other girls. We all love to share things about our own hometowns.

After a lot of complicated and tiring placement tests, the school board put me in a class with 31 others. Most of them are from Jakarta. They are just so nice. We instantly became best friends after the introduction.

I love being there, although the orientation period is pretty long;3 months. Can you imagine me, a gadgetholic girl, being isolated on campus with the same people every day for three months?! But I could deal with it because it's been my dream to attend this school since I was just a little girl. I know it sounds cliche but that's the truth!

I could say that I am having the very best moments of my life!

I will tell you a lot of other things later!

Love,

-Abigail Gee

Words to a Young Man

there was a young man in spirits
not even scared in bits
but then time let him down
and so he fell to the ground

he never got up anymore
nor put his head up a little more
he now pushes away pretty things he sees
let alone to believe in me

but he never looks so sad
cause he has got a mask
to cover up his tears
to cover up his fears

he is my friend, a very true friend
but he thinks it soon is gonna end
I won't ask him to let me stay
but surely enough I won't walk away

he never looks back because he's still in the past
he always will, he always has
but there's something I wish he knew
I would always keep an eye on you

yes, you, the young man in spirits
who traveled far on the mind, but has a lot of doubt mists
who has a big heart for everyone, but not for one
to be a shelter, but not to enter

you can stop being my friend, of course,
but I will never stop being yours
though I know you won't give a fuck
I'm still sorry, as a friend, I suck

and I should tell you this very last time
you're so important that you made me rhyme


for a dear friend,

-Abigail Gee

Senior Year!

As I am writing this, I'm on my study desk and looking through the window. It gives one of the most beautiful sceneries in school, because I can see acres of cornfields and big trees. Sometimes white birds appear out of nowhere.

The dormitory is so peaceful when no one is screaming around calling each other's name. In the afternoon, you can see the skies are full of colors.

And I'm currently listening to Stars's Dead Hearts. Yeah, I just saw Like Crazy.

I am now officially a 12th grader. It feels weird to be someone who replies salutes instead of giving one.

But I guess it might be fun, as I could see joy and relief on everybody's faces.

I might not be forgiven for leaving and abandoning this place for months. But then I finally realized that there're too many things that I can't keep for myself and I need to tell, it's just I can't find anyone who will hear my stories eagerly.

The beauty of writing still fascinates me after these whole years, but it took me a while to notice that writing will always be my favorite companion.

There are too many exciting events awaiting for me this year. I will have my national examinations soon, graduation ceremony, and then I am leaving for my college years. It always makes me feel so ecstatic to think about arranging my own room the way I want it to, signing up for as many colleges as you can apply to, and the nervous feeling you feel when you wait for your acceptance letter to come.

This world is indeed a mysterious place youth must explore and wander.

I don't know, I just feel like writing all these words, even though they don't make any sense or connected.

Maybe it's just that I have so many thoughts on mind and I have been wondering how I am supposed to blurt out every single one of them.

I hope you don't mind.

And I hope you'll have the best term ahead.

Sending the senior year love and excitement,

-Abigail Gee

Worries.

I stand there with eyes folded to the back of their cases.

I was shadowed by the anxiety flowing in my veins.

All the thoughts along with my brain will soon explode.

I am worried, worried, worried.

The worry of a child breaking his Mom's lucky vase;

the worry of a father watching his daughter's wedding.

I have no, no idea.

Would I dare to scream?

Painful, so painful it is.

The heart wants what it wants, but I have nothing to offer.

Relieving enough you are to finish what you started.

Cold wind sneaks into your lungs and brain;

freezing ain't it?

But you heart is colder very much.

As if it is never there;never exists.

Now you know not.

What you want to do.

Thoughts run away through the air you exhale.

You are blank once again.

With no eyes. With eyebags folding your body neatly.

With worries.


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[written in the middle of writing speech texts;blank]

-Abigail Gee

Self- Reflection

Recently I've been thinking of lots of things. From my future education, my family, and relationships I have with people around me.

I've been facing problems which I feel like they will never end. At least soon. But then I kept thinking. Am I the one doing the wrongs that people tend to hate?

I've been doing things which disappoint people and I don't know how I can fix them all.

I got into a very deep breaking down, repeating my old life in junior high.

There's something that I should tell you guys. I've been trying to write you guys motivational words, quotes, and encouragements, but just like what most of the people say; 'you can solve other's problems while it's hard to solve yours.'

That's me.

I was bullied back in my younger years and I got ito a very depressing situation where I could barely hold things by myself. I barely had friends and people were such hypocrites. I called in sick for a few times in junior high and I did stupid thngs in the house. My health went decreasing and I became a very paranoid person. I then developed a feeling where I couldn't stand being hated and having enemies. I even started talking to myself, thinking about chances where people might hate me. I became a very silent person in school and I did things by myself.

It was a few horrible years, then I moved to Balikpapan when I was a 9 grader. No, my friends in Bali weren't that bad, they were just acting like grown ups, just like what most of us did. It was normal, yet it was a bit horrible for me. Although it was hard for me to take in, lately I understood it all; we all would eventually grow up and be mature, but each of us have a different way to reach it.

Then it took me the whole year to recover from the pain that I had felt for the whole two years.  I slowly made friends and I hung out very often with my friends. I felt accepted for who I was and I felt a bit more confident in socializing.

Then I attended TN. I ws so happy and I felt confident that it would turn to be a great year. And it was, althought some things came up but I managed to get through it.

But, as what we call ups and downs in life, I finally had my second down.

I needed to get through a quite long time of breakdown this 2015. It happened for a whole month and I was so messed up because of that. I felt hated, I felt intervened, I felt like everyone couldnt understand me. And the first snap happened.

One night I felt so stressed and I couldn't breathe. The whole dorm went panic, I was too. It had been years since the last time I got the snap, because the last time I had one was when I was bullied in junior high school. I was taken to the medical unit in the campus and I didn't attend my classes the next day.

I was so surprised to see myself this down again. The doctor told me I shouldn't keep things for myself and so I would not get hysterical anymore; which was the reason why I couldn't breathe, I also shouldn't overthink. And  I thought that the whole panic was over.

I thought.

It turned out that the rest of the month became as stressful as that day. I started to harm myself again, I couldn't breathe for two more times. I told my friends weird things, I got panic and I was very scared to go to school. I cried over little things, I kept apologizing over simple problems and I daydreamed all the time. I tried to tell my friends that I trusted about this very often, but then slowly I felt like I had given them such annoyance and they were a bit uncomfortable by it. Especially when it came to a boy friend of mine. People thought that I liked him, but actually I didn't. I believed in his opinion and thoughts but the others thought that I was trying to hit on him. Then because of the awkwardness, I barely talked to him anymore and I started to feel as if no one would be by my side. Then my girl friends made me realized that I still had some more people to hold on to and they would be there fr me when they were needed.

I was so happy and really happy. I tried to face my problems. I started praying more often, reading my Koran (Al-Qur'an). Then I got recovered; way more quickly than the first one. I slowly learned things because of this terrifying month. And I feel a lot wiser and relieved now.

Dear beauty, I know that sometimes life gives you things that's hard for you to take in, but God will never give you lessons you're not capable in getting through. It takes time to digest things, but you'll eventually figure things out on your own.

Just don't forget about what you believe in, and that even when it seems like everyone turns your back on you, there are still a lot of people who care about you. They exist but you're just too scared to look. And I also learn that some problems are not meant to be solved; you just need to get through them and leave them behind. You shouldn't be worried about what future might offer you, you just need to embrace it with smile and gratefulness. Be happy. I know that my words sound cliche but I mean it and they really work. Try to take the positive side out everytime you face things that you don't desire.

And try to evaluate yourself instead of overrate it. Being better is different than being new you. You shoudln't become a NEW you. You just need to UPGRADE yourself and it is possible.

I hope that I can be such a lesson so that other will not suffer things I suffered.

And actually,I did learn.

With love,

-Abigail Gee